Friday, December 09, 2016

The Empire, the Album

After finishing Moisture Farm of Owen, I just had to keep writing. The most popular album in the US in 1980, when Star Wars: Episode V, The Empire Strikes Back was released, was Pink Floyd's The Wall.

So I got out my cds, my notepad and pen, and started scribbling furiously in worse handwriting than Roger Waters. Here are the songs:

Use the Force?
The Cold Ice
The Evil Emperor's Tool, part 1
The Proudest Fight of Our Lives/The Evil Emperor's Tool, part 2
Yoda
Goodbye My Friends
Vader's Empire/Han's Love
The Dark Side of the Force
Where Are They Now?
The Evil Emperor's Tool, part 3/Goodbye Dagobah

Lando/It's a Trap, Luke
Soon You'll Be Mine (Boba Fett's Song)
Threepio/Set the Trap
Carbonite Han
The Fight Must Go On
Use the Force
Run for Han
Join Me and You'll Live/No!
The Escape
Outside Their Rule

Outside Their Rule

[A Star Wars parody of "Outside the Wall" by Pink Floyd]

All alone or in twos
The rebels who really love you
Gather together outside their rule

One motley band
And Luke, he has a new hand
Chewbacca and the scoundrel search for Han

And when you fight against the rule
Of those who are evil and cruel, it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad Emperor's tool

The Escape

[A Star Wars parody of "The Trial" by Pink Floyd]

I somehow survived my fall
I grabbed a weathervane on the bottom of this Bespin city
Oh, help me, Ben, please, will you help me?
Ben, please will you tell me Vader's not my father?
Oh, Leia, help

Millennium Falcon!

I know we're free of Bespin, but we must go back
Chewie, turn the ship around 'cause I can take us right to Luke
So don't worry 'bout those fighters
Do you see him hanging?
Chewie, get us underneath
Lando, get him on the ship

Beaten
Why didn't you tell me?
I am beaten
Surely he's lying
Darth Vader's my father and I fade away

Beaten
Why didn't you tell him?
He is beaten

Luke, here's a kiss, you are safe now
I hope you will get better soon
Don't have to talk, I have to go, but I'll be back soon--oh no!
There's a Star Destroyer, start the hyperdrive, it's now or never
"It's not my fault! They said they fixed it!"
The hyperdrive is broke

Artoo!
Why don't we just go to lightspeed?
How d'you know it's deactivated?
Artoo, you know better than to trust a strange computer
I am standing here in pieces
But you have delusions of grandeur

Beaten
That's Vader's ship there
I am beaten
It's my destiny--no
There must have been some truth there in his words
Since I feel it

Beaten
Luke doesn't look good
He is beaten

The end is near because my men switched off the hyperdrive
They'll be in range of the tractor beam in moments
In all my years of fighting, I have never felt before
Someone more deserving of the full benefit of my care
The way I made her suffer
My exquisite wife, your mother
Fills me with the urge to compensate
But, my son, you'll be captured and be mine
Prepare the boarding party and set weapons for stun
Capture that ship!

Capture that ship
Capture that ship, capture that ship
Capture that ship, capture that ship
Capture that ship, capture that ship
Capture that ship, capture that ship
Capture that ship, capture that ship

Fix the hyperdrive, fix the hyperdrive
Fix the hyperdrive--

Join Me and You'll Live/No!

[A Star Wars parody of "Waiting for the Worms" and "Stop" by Pink Floyd]

Ah, Luke, you cannot reach me now
Luke, no matter how you try
The dark side is stronger, it's over
Join my side

It's useless to resist, just put down your sword
Join me and you'll live, unlike Obi-wan
I slash away your hand and there goes your sword
Join me and you'll live, unlike Obi-wan

Join me, don't make me destroy you
Join me, there is no escape now
I am your father

My son, you will search your feelings
My son, you know that it's true
My son, you don't know your power, I'll finish your training
My son, you'll destroy the Emperor, it is your destiny
My son, come with me

My son, we'll resolve this conflict and restore the order
Join me, together we'll rule as father and son
Join me, it's the only way

Would you like to see yourself rule the galaxy, my son?
All you have to do is take my hand
Would you like to end the destructive, pointless, rebel war, my son?
All you need to do is take my hand

Join me now, join me now, join me now, join me now
Join me now, join me now, join me now, join me now
Join me now, join me now, join me now, join me now
Join me now, join me now, join me now, join me now
Join me now, join me now, join me now, join me now
Join me now, join me now, join me now, join me now
Join me now, join me now, join me now, join me now

*****

No!
I'll never join you
Stop with your lies, that is impossible
And I want to step and fall
Because I'd rather die
Then stand one moment at your side

Run for Han

[A Star Wars parody of "Run Like Hell" by Pink Floyd]

Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run

Lando changed his mind and now he's on our side
If we run to the East Platform, we might catch them alive
There goes Boba Fett and the carbonite
We can take a few pot shots, but he blasts out of sight
With our nerves in tatters
As our last hope shatters
And the stormtroopers blaster
Find the door
We better run

Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run

We better run to the Falcon through the firefight
Evacuate the city before more troops arrive
We're not interested in the hyperdrive
Artoo opens up the door and we dash outside
Chewie fires up the engines through the blaster shots
We escape but Han is trapped inside a carbonite block
We better run

Use the Force

[A Star Wars parody of "In the Flesh" by Pink Floyd]

So ya
Thought ya
Might like to join in the show
To feel the warm thrill of Force power
That Jedi knight glow

Well, I've got some bad news for you, young boy
The light side is weak and I will never be beat
So I see that you've got an old lightsaber in your hand
Now we're going to find out what you learned from that man

Can you clash lightsabers if I goad your attack?
That's impressive, most impressive
Will you escape if I knock you on your back?
That's impressive, most impressive

Obi-wan knew that your destiny's with me
Now release your hate and anger and set yourself free
Jump over my head, your sword I can block
If I have my way, I will have you caught

The Fight Must Go On

[A Star Wars parody of "The Show Must Go On" by Pink Floyd]

Ah ooh, ah ah
Ooh Leia, ooh Han
Through Cloud City, I run
Ooh Leia, here I come, here I come, here I come
Ooh Han, just hold on, just hold on, just hold on

There must be some mistake
I didn't mean to let them take away my friends
Are they gone now?
Am I too late?

Ooh Leia, ooh Han
"It's a trap" but I press on
Ooh Leia, ooh Han
Where's everybody gone?

Ooh, ah
The fight must go on

Carbonite Han

[A Star Wars parody of "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd]

Lando, Lando, Lando
Am I really going in there?
Why would you do this to me?
I thought you were my friend
Chewie, Chewie, Chewie
I know you're furious
But you must calm down
And help protect the princess now
Leia, Leia, Leia
Please let me have just one more kiss
At least this won't be slow
"I love you"...I know

Han, I'm full of pain, you are receding
A huge machine's smoke fills up the chamber
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying
When I first met you, I just lost my planet
My soul cried, overcome with grief
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, I do not understand
This is not how I am
You will become carbonite Han
You will become carbonite Han

Okay, okay, okay
Like a little pinprick
Here comes the carbo--aaaaaaaaaah!
Now I feel a little sick
I am frozen, frozen, frozen
I do believe it's working good
Stuck here like I hibernate in snow
With nowhere I can go

I'm full of pain, you are receding
A huge machine's smoke fills up the chamber
You are now frozen, locked away
Your lips scream, but none can hear what you're saying
When I met you, I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turn to look, our future's gone
I cannot hope to carry on
Your body's cold, the dream is gone
You have become carbonite Han

Threepio/Set the Trap

[A Star Wars parody of "Vera" and "Bring the Boys Back Home" by Pink Floyd]

Does anybody here remember Threepio?
Remember how he said, "Oh please don't shoot, oh no
"Stormtroopers here"?

Threepio, Threepio
Your warning came too late
So now a worthless box of spare parts will be your fate

*****

Set the trap, he's mine
Set the trap, he's mine
We'll test the carbonite one time, time, time
Set the trap, he's mine

It's a trap, Luke, please stay out there

Soon You'll Be Mine (Boba Fett's Song)

[A Star Wars parody of "Nobody Home" by Pink Floyd]

I've got a little black book with my code in
Got a helmet with a scanner and a scope
When I hunt someone, I always capture my goal

I got these durasteel spikes on my shoes
Got this armor of blues
I got thirteen weapons of death on each wrist I can choose from

I've got laser sights
And I win every fight
I got amazing powers of observation

And that is how I knew
The way to follow you
I just had to give it time
Solo, soon you'll be mine

I've got the skills to win at every turn
And a flamethrower to burn
All of my enemies till they are dead or in pain

I've got a blaster carbine that's my first
Choice of weapons to do the worst
Sort of grand destruction, I'll shoot up your mortal remains

I've got a visor over my eyes
And I've got a jetpack to fly
But I got nowhere to fly to

Ooh, Solo, tortured, frozen or fried
I know soon you'll be mine

I've got a bounty to collect
And I've got no regrets

Lando/It's a Trap, Luke

[A Star Wars parody of "Hey You" and "Is There Anybody Out There?" by Pink Floyd]

Lando, not a system but a man
Who might lend a helping hand in Cloud City
Lando, Bespin businessman
Scoundrel pirate friend of Han, far too friendly
Lando, don't lose what is wrong and is right
Don't give in without a fight

Lando, please help fix our hyperdrive
The Falcon is not yours, but mine, I won it fairly
Lando, where is Threepio?
Chewie, see where he could go and please let's hurry
Lando made a deal and has nothing to fear
What do you mean, Darth Vader's here?

But it was only fantasy
The deal was too good
As you can see
No mater how you try
You will not break free
And the darkness creeps into your brain

Lando, get the hell away
You have done enough today and for tomorrow
Lando, nothing but a rat
Helping Vader set his trap, quite the hero
Lando, don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall

We fall, we fall, we fall
We fall, we fall, we fall

*****

It's a trap, Luke, please stay out there
It's a trap, Luke, please stay out there
It's a trap, Luke, please stay out there
It's a trap, Luke, please stay out there

The Evil Emperor's Tool, part 3/Goodbye Dagobah

[A Star Wars parody of "Another Brick in the Wall, part 3" and "Goodbye Cruel World" by Pink Floyd]

I had a vision, the future I see
Friends in trouble, die without me
I have seen how best to serve my friends
Don't think I will sacrifice their plans
No, I don't think I will sacrifice their plans

I'm no fool, but I'm gonna challenge the evil Emperor's tool
I just hope I don't become the evil Emperor's tool

*****

Goodbye, Dagobah
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye

Goodbye, Ben and Yoda
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind
Goodbye

Where Are They Now?

[A Star Wars parody of "Don't Leave Me Now" by Pink Floyd]

Oh, Needa
Where are they now?
Don't say that you lost them again
Remember the orders I gave
I need them, Captain
To put through the shredder
To draw out Skywalker

Oh, Needa
Where are they now?
Where could they go?
So send out the bounty hunters
To find the Millennium Falcon for me

Oh, Captain
Where are they now?
How could you fail me this way?
They ran away

Oh, Needa
Apology 'cepted, Captain Needa

Ooh, Admiral
Ooh, Piett
Ooh, Piett