Fine vs. Okay

When describing your well-being as "fine," it usually means exactly the same as a description of "okay."

On the other hand, when describing a woman as "okay," it most definitely does not mean the same thing as describing her as "fine."

The Tale of Vítí

All hail Vítí, Goddess of Ice, for today is Her holy day! Spring is just around the corner (really!), so let's celebrate!





Long ago, Kara, Goddess of Soil, met Hérazha, Goddess of the Wind, for the first time and had a sudden vision. Kara prophesized that the children of Hérazha, Who at that time was childless and unmarried, would grow to be stronger and more powerful than Their father. Hérazha was shocked at this pronouncement, but soon learned to live with it. She bore Nokí, Goddess of Food, Who did indeed grow stronger than Her father, Voro, God of Hearth Fire.

Hérazha is quite beautiful, so Sozho, High God of Air, being Who He is, eventually could not control His urges. Sozho forced Himself upon Her, satisfying His lust. Only afterwards did He remember Kara’s prophecy. Out of concern for His rule of the universe and place as King of the Gods, Sozho promptly swallowed Hérazha whole.

Inside Sozho, Hérazha bore Her child, Vítí. She nursed the child goddess and taught Her well. Vítí grew strong and wise. Soon, Sozho heard strange metallic clanking sounds emanating from within His body. The noise began to drive Him insane.

The other gods soon were able to hear the sound, as well. Nazhoro, God of Coldness and son of Sozho by Nuvíní, High Goddess of Earth, realized what the sound probably was. Nazhoro convinced Sozho He could stop the racket, then took up His massive axe and split open Sozho’s head.

Out popped Vítí, fully grown and dressed with helmet, armor, leopard-skin robe, and a sword and shield which She had been banging together. Her skin was as white as snow, from all the time spent in Her father and away from the sun.

Vítí thanked Nazhoro profusely, then reached back inside Sozho’s body and pulled out Her mother. Hérazha smiled at Her daughter, then wafted away. Sozho put His head back together, then snatched up His own sword and His indestructible shield, ready for battle with His newborn child.

Vítí, however, sheathed Her sword and knelt before Her father, professing Her allegiance to Sozho for as long as She lives. Sozho, slightly stunned, also sheathed His sword. He placed His hand on Vítí’s shoulder and accepted Her allegiance. Despite how powerful Vítí has become, She has always honored Her vow, and so Sozho is and always shall be the Ruler of the Universe.

Along with Her vow to uphold Her father’s position as King of the Gods, Vítí also made a commitment to help all demigods and mortals who fought for good against evil. She soon became friends with the demigoddess Níka, Who helped mortals in their struggles against evil, as well. Níka, Who prefers the form of an owl when not in battle, is said to bring victory to all She aids.

One day, while sharpening Their swords between battles, Vítí and Níka chatted about the motherly instincts of other goddesses, such as Ríhíví, Goddess of Poisonous Water. Vítí wished that She, too, could be a mother, but decried all the gods for being unsuitable and unworthy mates. Níka suggested that Vítí could, at least, show off Her femininity around the gods and see how They reacted.

To this, Vítí agreed. First, though, They returned to battle and defeated evil legions of demons, freeing a good and honest people.

When Vítí returned to Sozho’s castle, where most of the gods gathered, She was resplendent in a blue-and-black gown of the finest thread, which She had woven, and stylish jewelry She had wrought Herself, all of which was marvelously offset by Her snow-white skin. Níka sat perched on Her shoulder, a pure white owl. All the gods and goddesses stopped Their conversations and stared, awestruck by Vítí’s beauty.

Vítí calmly walked around the great hall, greeting Ríhíví; Kérasa, High Goddess of Water; and Huro, God of Thunder. Huro gave Vítí appreciative comments on Her appearance, but nevertheless still treated Her as a comrade-in-arms rather than just a sexual object like Rana, Goddess of Clouds.

On the other hand, Píríuso, God of the Sun, and His friend Zhoro, God of Heat, did not eye Vítí respectfully. They leered lasciviously and made rude comments to Her. Vítí ignored Them as best She could, but They trailed Her around the hall, snickering like randy boys. Níka softly hooted encouragement into Vítí’s ear.

Vítí longed for a god Who would treat Her somewhere between the camaraderie of Huro and the vulgarity of Píríuso and Zhoro. Since Ríhíví was a mother, Vítí asked Ríhíví to meet Her out on the balcony to discuss these concerns. But when Vítí arrived at the balcony, She discovered that Píríuso and Zhoro had beaten Her there.

Zhoro blocked the doorway while Píríuso advanced on Vítí, grabbing at Her dress. Vítí told Them to leave, but They laughed. Níka transformed back to Her womanly form and moved toward Zhoro, leaving Píríuso for Vítí. Zhoro easily overpowered the demigoddess, however, pinning Her arms at Her sides. Píríuso laughed and took another swipe at Vítí’s dress. Vítí stepped out of the way, bumping against the balcony railing.

Although She did not have Her sword or shield and She had no further room to retreat, Vítí was far from defenseless. As soon as Píríuso got a hand on Her dress, trying to tear it off, Vítí grabbed His arm, pivoted Her body, and threw the sun god off the balcony.

In the instant it took Vítí to turn back around, Zhoro had disappeared, melting away into the aether. Thus victorious, Vítí straightened Her dress and took a deep breath of the crispy cold air. Níka shook Her shoulders with a huff and changed back to a snow owl.

Ríhíví stepped through the doorway and told Vítí that Their conversation would have to wait. Sozho announced that He would make a proclamation. The goddesses returned to the great hall in time to hear Sozho declare that no god would be allowed to participate in the current war in the kingdom of Tolo. The war had begun when the goddess Rana meddled in mortal affairs, giving a betrothed woman to an already married man. When the two enchanted lovebirds had sailed to the kingdom of Tolo, a swarm of ships from the kingdoms of their families chased after, thus starting the war.

All of the assembled gods and goddesses applauded Sozho’s pronouncement, for this was a silly war. As Vítí scanned the room, however, She noticed Rékaré, God of Rock and not-so-secret lover of Rana, slip out the door. Vítí lost time changing back into Her familiar battle armor, so when She and Níka arrived at Tolo, Rékaré was already leading the Toloan army in a rout of the aggrieved invaders, the Rakaísans.

Vítí and Níka charged to the front of the Rakaísan army, shouting Their battlecries. Rékaré spotted Vítí and hurled His spear at Her. Vítí calmly side-stepped His throw and, not even bothering to use Her sword, hurled a stone at the aggressive god. The rock hit Rékaré plum between the eyes, knocking Him unconscious.

The Rakaísans saw the god fall and promptly turned their rout into a defeat of the Toloans. Rana, Her eyes full of tears, descended upon the battlefield and began to yell and scream at Vítí for what She had done to Rékaré and Her beloved Toloans. Vítí coldly reminded Rana that Rana’s husband is Korutuzho, God of Agriculture, and not Rékaré. She then slapped Rana across Her face, silencing the crying goddess.

When Vítí and Níka returned to Sozho’s castle, the King of the Gods thanked His daughter for upholding His declaration, heralding Vítí as the greatest of the gods -- other than Himself, of course. He then decided to throw a celebration in Her honor.

During the festivities, Vítí was approached by an old woman She didn’t recognize. The woman lauded Vítí on Her quick victory over Rékaré and also praised Vítí’s beauty. As the old woman talked, Vítí realized that the hag was, in fact, Hívo, God of Clean Water, in disguise. Vítí did not let Her knowledge of His deception show, however, and allowed Hívo to lead Her to a quiet corner of the castle, away from Níka and the rest of the gathered gods and demigods.

When the disguised Hívo suggested Vítí lay down for a short rest, Vítí readily agreed. In fact, She asked the old woman to lie beside Her, for warmth. Hívo jumped at the chance. They lay down together and as soon as Vítí closed Her eyes, Hívo changed back to His usual manly form.

Quickly, They were making love, Vítí calling out Hívo’s name. As soon as They finished, Hívo scurried away. Níka found Vítí lying on the floor and asked if anything was wrong. Vítí just smiled and said everything was good. Níka understood.

Nine months later, Vítí gave birth to Zhíanoso, High God of Fire, the most powerful of all the gods. She gave Him all Her fire, Her warmth, Her heat, leaving Her only coldness and ice. She is proud of Her son, even if He has the mischievousness and trickery of His father, for Zhíanoso is strong and wise. Vítí relishes Her newfound mastery of snow and ice, using them to defeat Her enemies, casting freezes and avalanches upon all who threaten the good and peaceful peoples of the world.

Even without fire, Vítí remains the wisest of the gods, with the skill and strength of legions. The Unwearying One fights coolly and calmly, dispatching Her evil opponents with ease. Ask the Exalted One for counsel and She will never lead you astray. Let She of the Snow-White Skin guide your hands as you weave your clothes. Let She of the Gleaming Eyes guide your hands as you fashion your weapons and armor. Pray to Vítí and rely on Her wondrous wisdom, for She is the path to truth and honor.

100 * 1,000

As of today, 100 of my photos on flickr have 1,000 or more views.

Here's #100:


999 of the photos are from the Fremont Solstice Parade. This is the only one that isn't:

The Tale of Tarénara

Today is, of course, the Holy Day of Tarénara, Goddess of Hunting, Lady of the Moon, the Defender, the Embracer, the Pathfinder. Most devout Tarénarans won't celebrate till the full moon in a couple weeks, but today's the official holiday. Hooray!





The beautiful, ever-youthful goddess Tarénara has dedicated Her life to Her obligations of directing the moon and hunters world-wide, and to healing those who are in need. Since with Her obligations, Tarénara has no need for men, She took a vow of chastity. Many demigoddesses admired Her strength, skill, and independence, and so They, too, took vows of chastity. These demigoddesses became known as the Tarénarans.

Although Tarénara is an expert huntress Who never uses more than one arrow to strike down her prey, She also makes a point of caring for injured animals and humans, most particularly young women.

One day, the queen of the distant land of Vékavété called upon Tarénara. The queen's daughter had been possessed by a demon and was dying. Tarénara and Her Tarénarans set out for Vékavété at once.

Despite Their haste, the trip took days upon days, fourdays upon fourdays. Along the way, Tarénara and Her Tarénarans hunted the forests, plains, and deserts, taking only what They needed.

Halfway to Vékavété, Tarénara and Her followers had set up camp in a glade near a clear-running stream. Protected as they were from wayward eyes by the dense foliage, the goddess and Her followers decided to bathe in the stream.

As they splashed and frolicked in the cool, refreshing water, a nearby hunter, named Rékavísoto, happened to hear Their joyous laughter. Although he knew better than to disturb the privacy of women, his lust and desire overcame him. He gathered his hounds and bade them to be quiet while he crept through the brush to get a look at the bathing beauties.

Rékavísoto did not, however, have the hunting skills of Tarénara. He achieved his spectacular view of the goddess and the Tarénarans in all Their glory, but as he stepped forward for an even closer view, Rékavísoto stepped on a twig.

The sharp crack of the twig resonated throughout the forest glade. Tarénara and the demigoddesses spotted Rékavísoto at once. The Tarénarans shrieked and ran for Their clothing. Tarénara, however, stood Her ground, thigh-deep in the water, and cast a spell upon Rékavísoto, transforming him into a stag.

The hunter's hounds smelled the stag and immediately set upon Rékavísoto, thinking him to be prey. Within seconds, Rékavísoto lay dead. Tarénara welcomed his hounds into Her own pack, to live eternally and hunt as long as they so desire.

The Tarénarans were frightened by this ordeal. The most beautiful Tarénaran, Kohísohí, decried the expedition as folly. The world outside Their homeland was too vicious for Them to travel any further, Kohísohí said. She exhorted Tarénara to lead Them all home at once.

Tarénara, however, knew that the princess in Vékavété relied on Her healing skills, and so Tarénara decided without hesitation to continue the mission.

Two days later, They met the giant hunter, Surasaté. Surasaté was the son of Vasataté, God of the Oceans, and was so large that He could wade across the sea with the water only coming up to His chin. He was also a skilled hunter and infatuated with Tarénara.

To prove His prowess and worthiness for the spectacular goddess, Surasaté laid before Tarénara all of His kills from the previous fourday. The mountain of dead animals towered high into the atmosphere, so high that Tarénara's twin brother, Píríuso, God of the Sun, had to redirect His solar chariot so it did not collide with the carcasses.

Tarénara and Her followers expressed disgust at such waste. Not even a giant such as Surasaté could eat the enormous pile of meat before it spoiled. Surasaté had very nearly wiped out the entire animal population of the world. In fact, He had indeed killed the last of the unicorns, exterminating that noble species for the rest of eternity.

Surasaté was not dissuaded by Tarénara's contempt. Overcome by His lust for Tarénara, He forced Himself upon Her. Before Surasaté could spoil Her maidenhood, however, Tarénara and the Tarénarans forced away the giant with a precise rain of arrows.

So that Surasaté would never again affront the natural order of the universe, or Tarénara Herself, the goddess sent a giant scorpion to chase after the demigod hunter. Every day, every year, the scorpion and Surasaté chase each other through Sívorí's domain, neither one gaining or losing ground to the other. Whenever the scorpion rises above the horizon, Surasaté flees from the sky. Whenever the scorpion dives after him, below the horizon, Surasaté rises in the opposite sky.

The very next day, Tarénara and the Tarénarans arrived in Vékavété. The queen guided them to her demon-possessed daughter. Tarénara laid Her hands upon the princess and quickly expelled the demon, which was a friend of Kérasa, High Goddess of Water, and therefore unable to be destroyed by Tarénara. The demon disappeared into the aether, declaring that it would return as soon as Tarénara left Vékavété.

The princess was instantly well. The queen and all of Vékavété heaped praise upon Tarénara, as to be expected. They worshipped Her extensively, building several temples in Her honor.

While Tarénara enjoyed this praise, She longed to return home. The Tarénarans begged for Her to take Them home. While on this mission, She had not been able to guide the moon, and so the world had been in darkness at night for over a month. Furthermore, certainly other maidens and animals required Her aid, but She couldn't leave Vékavété or else Kérasa's demon would return.

Tarénara called the demon to Her and made a deal with it. If it promised to never again possess the princess or anyone else, the citizens of Vékavété would sacrifice four cattle and seven goats to the demon every full moon.

Kérasa's demon gladly agreed to this arrangement. Tarénara returned home from Vékavété, leaving behind a statue of incredible likeness to Her in the grandest of their temples.

Once back to Their homeland, Tarénara and Her followers returned to Their normal lives, guiding the moon, hunting, and caring for those in need, and maintaining Their vows of chastity.

Soon, though, it became apparent that Kohísohí, the most beautiful Tarénaran, had not honored that vow. She was obviously pregnant.

Tarénara demanded to know who the father was. Kohísohí tried to deny Her pregnancy at first, but relented to Tarénara's fury and admitted that She had had a tryst with Sozho, High God of Air.

Outraged at Kohísohí's complete disregard for Her vow, Tarénara transformed the Tarénaran and Her newborn son, Sarakazhé, into bears. Not knowing the way of bears, Kohísohí and Her son did not eat well and were persistently beset upon by coyotes.

Sívorí, Goddess of the Stars, bade Tarénara to take pity on Them, especially Sarakazhé, Who had done nothing wrong. Tarénara reluctantly agreed with Her friend’s advice and cast the mother bear and cub into the night sky, forever to spin together under Sívorí’s watchful eye.

Nightly reminded of Kohísohí's vow-breaking, the remainder of the Tarénarans took heed and thus honor Their vow for all eternity. Hunters from across the lands learn from the giant Surasaté's hubris and kill only the animals they need. Demons still try to hurt humans, but always flee before Tarénara arrives.

Some men have learned from Rékavísoto's mistake, but most still let their lust and desire control them. Ladies, beware all men, for they are deceitful and treacherous. Let the most holy Tarénara, Goddess of Hunting, Lady of the Moon, the Defender, the Pathfinder, the Embracer guide your actions.

1,000 a Day

As a corollary of Friday's post, if you put a picture on the internet of a smiling, rollerskating, naked woman (full-frontal with no bodypaint), you can generate 1,000 views in a day.

Such a photo of mine from Saturday's parade has 965 views. I posted it yesterday around 6 p.m.

If the above description doesn't offend you, click here to see it (and add to the tally!).

... I guess she's not completely naked. She has high socks and a scarf!

UPDATE: It took 20 hours. 1,012 views.

5,000 per Year

On flickr, I have one photo approaching 5,000 views (right now, 4,999). I uploaded it a year ago, just after the Fremont Solstice Parade.

Since the parade will be recommencing tomorrow at noon, let's celebrate by posting the star photo:

Looks like fun, doesn't it?

And yet Chunlin doesn't want to do it. . .

(By the way, seven others have over 4,000 views. The only connection I see is that they all have naked or semi-naked women. Hmmm. . .)

Liberals Need Someone to Listen

Women tend to be liberals and men tend to be conservatives.

When women complain, men often strive to find solutions to these problems. The women don't expect solutions, however, but instead only want to vent their frustrations.

Liberals complain about all sorts of things without proposing solutions. Conservatives have solutions for everything, right or wrong.

The next time liberals go off on something (Global Warming, the G***** W** on T*****, Bushitler, etc.), conservatives should just smile sympathetically and say, "I understand." The liberals don't really expect a solution from the conservatives. They just want to vent.

PS: I love you, Chunlin.

Welcome to Adulthood!

On one of my calendars, today is Coming-of-Age Day (Japan). On another, today is Adults Day (Japan). The first name is a better translation. Today is the day when twenty-year-olds (the legal age of voting, drinking, etc.) dress up for ceremonies celebrating their ascension to adulthood. The new men wear suits. The new women wear traditional _furisode_ dresses.

In the past, Japanese boys became men at fifteen. Girls became women at thirteen. In 1876, though, twenty became the legal adulthood age.

In the U.S., a recent University of Chicago survey asked Americans when they thought adulthood started. The average answer was 26.

Physically, the fifteen/thirteen is probably closer to the truth. Emotionally, though, I'd say that these days even 26 is too early for a lot of people. . .

Too much coddling by parents/teachers/governments!

PS: Happy birthday, Elvis! And the rest of you, clean off your desk!

Notice to All Women

It doesn't matter how good you look standing still in high heels. If you can't walk gracefully in them, you'd be better off wearing rubber rainboots.

I mean, I see women clomping about like little kids playing dress-up with their mother's clothes. *I* can walk better in high heels than that!

The End of Elvis Week

The good folks over at Elvis.com say that Elvis Week extends to next Wednesday, but that's just crazy. Any "week" is Monday to Friday, plus maybe a weekend or both.

So, to round out your Elvis Week experience, here are a few more stanzas that the King did sing:

Well there's gold in the mountains, love in the hills
I don't need no city women with their diamonds and frills
There's gold in the mountains and oh what scenery
The prettiest girls I ever did see

-There's Gold in the Mountains

They say God made land
And He gave it all to man
Yes I know He's mighty good and true
There is no God, but God
And He knows everything to do
So just you call on Him
And He will share His love with you

-There Is No God but God

You know I'll be your slave
If you ask me to
But if you don't behave
I'll walk right out on you
If you want my love then take my advice
Treat me nice

-Treat Me Nice

It's still Elvis Week!

Let us bow our heads as we listen to the good word of the King:

Moonbeams play peek-a-boo
Three awake became two
And my song was almost done
When the land of Nod took one

-Five Sleepy Heads

Pretty girls eighteen to twenty-three
If their technique ain't what it should be
Get love instruction for free from me
Through the courtesy of the
Fort Lauderdale Chamber of Commerce

-Fort Lauderdale Chamber of Commerce

another victim of Liberalism

I had a friend--a woman--complain yesterday about the relative lack of "ladies' nights" at bars here in Seattle when compared to cities in, say, the Midwest. Ladies' night is when bars sell drinks to women for extremely cheap prices (or for free), and to men for the regular price (this is how the bars rake in the money, of course).

She's a dyed-in-the-wool socialist liberal, so I don't know why she was complaining. Here in Seattle, men and women are equal! No special treatment for the fairer sex. If you want that kind of thing, you have to go to the backwards fly-over conservative states.

Good news from India . . . sort of

A textbook for fourteen-year-olds in the western India state of Rajasthan favorably compares donkeys to wives.

"A donkey is like a housewife," declares the Hindi language primer approved by the state of Rajasthan, according to The Times of India newspaper. "It has to toil all day and, like her, may even have to give up food and water."

"In fact, the donkey is a shade better," continues the text meant for 14-year-olds, "for while the housewife may sometimes complain and walk off to her parents' home, you'll never catch the donkey being disloyal to his master."

Um. . .

But the good news is the reaction. The women's caucus in the ruling party of the state government has loudly protested (try that in a dictatorship!) and the government is actually listening.

"The comparison was made in good humor," state education official A.R. Khan was quoted as saying.

He added, however, that "protests have been taken note of and the board is in the process of removing" the reference.

I have high hopes for India. They still have a ways to go, but at least they're moving in the right direction.

TSO

I saw Trans-Siberian Orchestra's concert last night. Good show. Diane from my writing group invited me.

If you're not familiar with the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, they play classical music in much the same way George Lucas tells stories: with lasers and big explosions. And electric guitars, but Mr. Lucas doesn't use those. Well, a couple times, but that doesn't really count.

I probably would've enjoyed it more if the guy sitting next to me (not in our group) hadn't said "nice..." or "yeah baby" every time the women singers or violin player were featured.

Holy Day of Tarénara

And a happy Tarénara Day to all of you, too!

Go dance naked under the new moon, sing your hunting songs, whatever it is you Tarénarans do. It's all rather silly, don't you agree? Goddess of Hunting? Sheesh. When's the last time you saw a woman with a bow and arrow?

Me, I'm sticking with Zhaké. . . um. . . I mean, Píríuso. Yeah, that's it. I worship the sun god Píríuso, and don't you forget it!

Day 8 - Skala (Patmos)

Well. A couple days without internet connection and you guys all freak out! (-; Back on Wednesday, I caught the ferry from Kusadası to Samos in the morning. The internet cafe didn't open until 17:00 but my ferry left at 14:30 (well, actually 15:15!). A few islands later, I disembarked at the tiny island of Lipsi (population ~500), where the internet cafe didn't open until May.

Anyway, a peaceful day on Lipsi. Two nights. A chance to do laundry (by hand, hang dry on the balcony).

Actually, I got in after sunset (see photo) without a room to sleep or a map of the town so I'd know where any of the pensions were.



So I wandered toward town, saw three men sitting on the front porch of the police station, and approached them with my problem. They were very friendly (and they weren't even trying to sell me anything (see Turkey)) and offered me a seat and a peach juice and made some phone calls. There was a place that would take me, and the proprietress' son was coming to get me. After a while, he showed up and I hopped on the back of his little motorcycle and we raced off through the back streets of Lipsi-town in the twilight. When we got to the pension, I was greeted with a hug because I was the first foreign tourist she'd had this year. Apparently, Greeks visit Lipsi in the winter.

Thursday, I went for a walk around the island. I considered going swimming, but it was cold and windy and overcast. There were flowers (see photo) and goats and birds and hills and churches (see photo) and all sorts of farm country stuff.





And then I had calamari and cabbage rolls for lunch. I think they beat the squid to get all the icky bits out (see photo).



Today, I caught the morning ferry back to Patmos (we stopped here on Wednesday on the way to Lipsi). And it was here that I found out that a 21:25 Friday ferry and a 00:45 Friday ferry are two very different things. I had some old info, I believe. Anyway, I'm spending the night here even though I planned to be sleeping on the boat off this island. My schedule for the rest of the trip goes to Plan B. (Not that most of you knew what Plan A was, anyway! Ha!)

Patmos was where St. John wrote the Revelation of the Apocalypse. I hiked up the Byzantine road ("up" it was) to the monastery there. The cave was smaller than I imagined. I continued up the road (see photo) to the castle-like St. John Monastery.



There's a little town around the monastery, but I couldn't find any restaurant or grocery open (or any buildings with signs on them). I started back down the hill, but soon realized I was walking down the wrong side of the hill! I was heading off into farmland instead of back toward the port town, Skala. So, back up the hill, wending through the narrow alley/stairs, and then finally finding the Byzantine road again.

Welcome to Greece. We open in May.

And here's a photo for Larry:

Guys' Rules

This is another email that I got...

Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down... Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Most of these are entirely true, except I don't really agree with number 1, 1, or 1. The toilet lid goes down, I know what mauve is, and I never think about monster trucks. Oh, and I'm not round.

ERA

"Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any state on account of sex."

Do you remember the Equal Rights Ammendment from the '70s? Yeah, I don't. They didn't talk about it on Sesame Street. Anyway... Apparently, some people are dredging this back up and are trying to get it passed in a few more states.

But what are the legal ramifications? How many laws do we have that deal differently for the sexes?

The laws defining marriage are definitely included in that group. If the government is forced to treat any man the same as any woman, then any man could put his name down on the "bride" line of the certificate.

How about nudity laws? Would I not be allowed to take off my shirt in public? Or would women be allowed to go topless? Hm... I guess the legislatures would have to sort that sort of thing out. Let's just hope they make the law less restrictive rather than more restrictive, if you know what I mean.

And of course we'd have to get rid of those "Men" and "Women" labels on restroom doors.

And how about alimony and child custody? And no more separate prisons for women and men. And randomly-selected college housing: guess who's your freshman-year roommate!

Hm... At first I thought this was a silly and unnecessary idea, but maybe I can get behind this thing after all.

Women's Clothing

Two news stories I saw recently, School Board Bans Photo Of Girl Wearing Tux and Condoleezza Rice's Commanding Clothes, bounced off each other in my head.

In the first one, a high-school senior's picture was yanked from the yearbook because she wore the tux that was required attire for the boys instead of the gown-and-pearls uniform for the girls. The school claims it's just because she didn't follow the rules, but the girl thinks it has more to do with her being a lesbian. My conservative father saw the story and didn't see anything wrong with the girl in a tux. He suggested that the school was either caught up in their own power, or else they were afraid that the boys would start wearing the gowns and pearls. Which you know some would, just for the shock value.

But the Rice story brought another possible explanation to my head. It discussed how Rice, on her trip to Europe, didn't wear the bland, pastel suits of other female dignitaries such as Albright, but instead wore all black: high-heel boots, a short dress, and a long jacket (cue Cake here). Here's the paragraph that linked the two articles:

But the sexual frisson in Rice's look also comes from the tension of a woman dressed in vaguely masculine attire -- that is, the long, military-inspired jacket. When the designer Yves Saint Laurent first encouraged women to wear trousers more than 30 years ago, his reasons were not simply because pants are comfortable or practical. He knew that the sight of a woman draped in the accouterments of a man is sexually provocative. A woman was embracing something forbidden.

So perhaps the tux was just too sexy for some of the school board members...