Mothers Day

As long as I have the RvB season 2 dvd in the player, I might as well transcribe something more.

A public service announcement from Red vs Blue:

SARGE: Why, hello! I'm Sarge from the popular web series, Red vs Blue.

TUCKER: And I'm Private Tucker.

SARGE: We're here to talk to you about a very special event happening this weekend for many women -- maybe even one you know!

TUCKER: That's right! This Saturday is Ladies' Night at the Rusty --

SARGE: Aaah... Actually, Tucker, I was talking about Mothers Day.

TUCKER: What? Oh. Dammit.

SARGE: I know a lot of kids out there are probably wondering what to get their ma on this special day.

TUCKER: Not me. She was a dirty tramp.

SARGE: That explains a lot.

TUCKER: Finding the right gift for your mom might be difficult.

SARGE: When giving a gift on Mothers Day, try to remember that your ma is a unique and special person--

TUCKER: Whore.

SARGE: That can mean going the safe route might not always be so safe.

TUCKER: Why, whatever do you mean, Sarge?

SARGE: Let's take a look at an example. Grif and Simmons have politely agreed to help us demonstrate by performing a little skit.

GRIF: I don't want to do this!

SIMMONS: What are you complaining about? You got the easy part. I'm the one wearing pantyhose under my armor because Sarge believes in method acting.

SARGE: Don't you two make me come over there. Now get to demonstrating!

GRIF: [sigh] Mother, I love you because you violently squeezed me out of your womb. Here are some flowers I bought for you at a flower place. Happy Offical Day for Mothers.

SIMMONS: Worthless daughter, how could you be so thoughtless? You know I am allergic to flowers. Also, you are adopted and I never loved you. I will now send you to live in shame with a robot foster family.

SARGE: Whoa nelly! That didn't go very well at all!

TUCKER: Flowers seem like the perfect gift, because they are pretty and boring, like most women, but that plan sure backfired.

SARGE: Now, let's take a look at what happens when you go to a little extra effort.

TUCKER: Take it away, Donut and Caboose!

DONUT: Hello, son. How are you.

CABOOSE: Sheila? ... I mean "Mother?" Because it is Mothers Day and I love you so, I made you a very ugly coffee mug in shop class today.

DONUT: Oh, thank you, my son. Where is it?

CABOOSE: I left it at school. Also, it is broken.

DONUT: Thank you, my child. You always think of the perfect thing to do for me.

CABOOSE: I spent my allowance on Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards and meat-flavored bubble gum.

DONUT: My angel.

SARGE: Aaaand scene. So now you see how the personal touch is what really makes all the difference when selecting a Mothers Day gift.

TUCKER: What? That last gift didn't make sense, whatsoever!

SARGE: Exactly.

TUCKER: This is retarded. I'm leaving.

SARGE: Remember, kids: You only have one mother -- unless you come from a progressive home like Donut's -- so be good to her on Mothers Day. And now, for those of you who still don't have any good gift ideas, here's a list of Sarge-approved items you might want to consider:

[very quick text on screen:

Extra-bendy Cactus
Exotic Flightless Bird
Undercarriage Washer
Dispenser of Goodies
Yoga-tizing Spatula
Mutant Goblin
Argentine Man-Servant
Space Goo (or similar)
Fractal Misnomer
Rhinoplasty
Donkeyplasty
Nastyplasty
Old Shoe Horn
Old Horn
New Shoe
Smaller Crawdads
Sandbox (with box)
Transparent Ding-Gong
Articulated Thing
Round One (or likewise)
Extras
Candy with Tips
Sonambulent Honkie
Misguided Dobro
Banjo Spaceship
Parachutes and Fishes
Tu Blave
Macchu Picchu
Most Postacio
Mustafa Portencio
Claven (sans nuts)
Shanks (all types)
Wind Samples
Mutton
Extraordinary Slorf
Fineries]

SARGE: Happy Mothers Day!

DONUT: Hey, wait a minute! It's over already? I didn't even get a chance to breastfeed anyone! Oh, man. My nipples are already lactating!

Happy Mothers Day, everyone! And especially you, Mom! I'm going to see if I can get some mutton for you. Or maybe a mutant goblin...