Pretty Droids All in a Row

[A Star Wars parody of "Pretty Maids All in a Row" by the Eagles]

"Hello there, come over and don't be afraid"
Seems like we've come a long way
Humans, they learn so slow
And heroes, they come and they go
And leave us behind as if we're supposed to know
Why, why

Why have we taken so much in the past?
And why must we blow up so fast?

And all you smuggling fools with your fortunes
Someone should send you a rose
With love from a friend, we hope to see you once again
The preparations come to a close
Here comes the battle they chose
X-wings to fly, Death Star to blow
Pretty droids all in a row

Victim of Greed

[A Star Wars parody of "Victim of Love" by the Eagles]

What kind of greed have you got?
You should stay here, but you're not
A room full of noise and dangerous toys
The help that they need is a lot

I heard about you and your plan
There's just one thing I don't understand
Jabba wants ten thousand but they paid you twenty
How come you still got that cash in your hands?

Victim of greed, I see a jaded heart
You got your stories to tell
Victim of greed, it's such an easy part
And you know how to play it so well

Some people never come clean
I think you know what I mean
You're walking the wire, regret and desire
Looking for scams in between

Chewie jump in now, you know that I'm right
This ain't no time to be cruel
You must help these people, the Death Star is coming
The rebels aren't losers and fools

Victim of greed, I see a caring heart
I could be wrong, but I'm not, no I'm not
Victim of greed, we're not so far apart
Show me what kind of soul have you got

Victim of greed, I see a caring heart
I could be wrong, but I'm not
Victim of greed, we're not so far apart
What kind of soul have you got?

Victim of greed, you're just a victim of greed
I could be wrong, but I'm not, no I'm not
Victim of greed, now you're a victim of greed
What kind of soul have you got?
What kind of soul have you got?
What kind of soul have you got?

Give Sorrow No Time

[A Star Wars parody of "Wasted Time" by the Eagles]

Well, Luke, there you stand
With your little head down in your hand
Oh my god, you can't believe
It's happening again
Kenobi's gone and you're all alone
And it looks like the end

But you're back out into space
And you must try to remember
How to start it over
You don't know if you can
You may have lost Ben and your family
But I lost Alderaan

You never thought you'd be alone
So soon down the line
But I know that I've made my mind
I'm afraid we must give sorrow no time

Kenobi's death has got you thinking
How Aunt and Uncle burned and fell
You didn't love them too much, no no
You just loved them too well, farewell

So you must live from day to day
And you must dream about tomorrow
When the fighters come swooping over
You must make them pay
So you shoot them with the cannon
And make them go away

We can do so many things, my friend
If we can only stop our minds
From wondering what we left behind
So stop crying and give sorrow no time

Another fight has come and gone
And the Falcon keeps rushing on
So remember what Ben told you
Before he left you on your own
Sometimes to find your destiny
You must set out from home

So you can get on with your quest, my friend
And I can can get on with mine
And maybe when we win this fight
We can finally give our sorrow some time

Life in the Death Star

[A Star Wars parody of "Life in the Fast Lane" by the Eagles]

Han was a hard-headed man
He was brutally handsome
Leia was terminally pretty
They locked her up
And they held without ransom
In the heart of the spherical city

Luke said to gently bind Chewbacca
As a cruel dude
They said he was fearsome
They said he was rude
Guards had one thing in common
They were suddenly dead
Han said, "Faster, faster
"The lights are blinking red!"

Life in the Death Star
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the Death Star

Trapped with her highness
Hot from the flames
"It isn't my fault, miss
"Luke is the brains"
Leia shot a chute open
And down they all fell
They landed in garbage
What a wonderful smell

There was a creature in the water
A creature 'round Luke's face
The dianoga got him
Luke was gone without a trace
Walls started closing in
And Luke was okay
They would surely have been crushed to death
If Artoo hadn't saved the day

Life in the Death Star
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the Death Star
Life in the Death Star
On the run all the time
Life in the Death Star

Stormtroopers found them
Chased them to thirst
They didn't see the bridge out
Took a turn for the worst
She said, "Listen mister
"You can hear the Wilhelm scream
"You shot the extender panel
"Haven't done a goddamn thing"

Luke said, "Hold my blaster
"I think I got a plan
"The bad guys, they are coming
"So I got to be the man"
They went swinging 'cross the chasm
Ran around and got lost
They really did care
They were just dying to get off

And it was life in the Death Star
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the Death Star
Life in the Death Star
On the run all the time
Life in the Death Star

Princess in Chains

[A Star Wars parody of "New Kid in Town" by the Eagles]

There's talk in the hall
It sounds so familiar
Bad feeling about this
Everybody's watching you
Who has the gall?
Tarkin and his eyes of blue
Even Darth Vader
Wants to torture you

Leia in binders
The princess in chains
Everybody hates you
So don't show no pain

You look in his eyes
The countdown begins to play
Far too trusting
Never hope again
Your planet gets fried
You can't look the other way
It's those hopeful hearts
That never mend

Leia in binders
The princess in chains
What will you do now
In Alderaan's remains?

There's so many deaths caused by that soldier
Vader and Tarkin couldn't be colder, no colder
Tears on your shoulder

There's talk in the cell block
It's there to remind you
It really does matter
Which side you're on
You're locked away
And they're talking behind you
They will not execute you
If somebody new comes along

Where you been lately?
There's a Jedi on base
Everybody hunts him, don't they?
And Vader wants him, and you're still in chains
Oh my my

There's a Jedi on base
Obi-wan's the Jedi on base
Ooh, everybody's talking 'bout the Jedi on base
Ooh, but you won't be walking with the Jedi on base

There's a Jedi on base
Help me Ben Kenobi
There's a Jedi on base
Help me Ben Kenobi
There's a Jedi on base
There's a Jedi on base

You're a princess in chains
Everybody's talking
You're a princess in chains
You won't be walking
You're a princess in chains
You're a princess in chains

Moisture Farm of Owen

[A Star Wars parody of "Hotel California" by the Eagles]

On a hot desert planet
Coarse sand everywhere
Warm smell of bantha poodoo
Rising up through the air

Up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
I waved my arms and I yelled real loud
A sandcrawler was in sight

So I entered the transport
I hit my head with a bonk
And I was thinking to myself
Why does that power droid always say "gonk"?

Then they zapped my restraining bolt
And they showed me the way
There were two men out there buying us
I thought I heard one say

Welcome to the moisture farm of Owen
Such a boring place
Wish I was in space
There's plenty of room at the moisture farm of Owen
Any time of year
It's hot as hell out here

Luke's mind's Academy twisted
He's got the Anchorhead trends
He's got a lot of pretty, pretty droids
That he calls friends

How they work in the courtyard
Constantly sweat
Luke wants to remember
Owen wants to forget

So I called up my master
Artoo ran off this time
I said, the odds of finding that droid
Are one in sixty-nine

We're then saved by old Jedi Ben
Who lives far away
Jawas killed so my master takes flight
There's no one left to say

Welcome to the moisture farm of Owen
Such a destroyed place
Such a destroyed face
There's smoke rising up from the moisture farm of Owen
What a bad surprise
Look into his eyes

Luke returned from the homestead
He was looking very glum
And Ben said, "You would have been killed too, Luke
"There's nothing you could have done"

And in the Mos Eisley Cantina
I got kicked out from the feast
That's where they met up with Han Solo
And a big, hairy oaf of a beast

Next thing I remember
I was hiding behind a door
I had to find a passage back
To Docking Bay 94

"Blip blip," said the spy man
They were programmed to receive
They started shooting at our smuggler's ship
And we could barely leave

European Super League 2016-17

UPDATED 6-4-17: The final standings have been added below.

Some of the richest clubs of European football have been making noise about permanent spots in the UEFA Champions League, or creating a closed European Super League. Naturally, I would prefer an open Super League, with promotion and relegation with the domestic leagues.

Since there are too many "big" clubs for one twenty-team league, I have created a twenty-team Super League and a second division with forty teams, split into East and West Leagues. To pick which teams are placed in which leagues, I used the UEFA Club Coefficients from the end of the 2014-15 season. After the 2015-16 season, two teams were relegated from the Super League to Division 2, replaced by the east and west champions. Two teams from each Division 2 league were relegated, replaced by the four teams that progressed the furthest in the Champions League and Europa League. (Ideally, this would just be the final four Champions League teams, with the relegated teams automatically qualified for the next season's Champions League so they have the potential for promotion as soon as possible).

Basel 1893 were relegated from the Super League to Division 2 West. Shakhtar Donetsk were relegated from the Super League to Division 2 East. PSV Eindhoven and Dynamo Kyiv were promoted to the Super League. Hannover 96, Twente, Metalist Kharkiv, and København were relegated to their respective domestic leagues. Wolfsburg and Gent were promoted to Division 2 West. Sparta Praha and Fenerbahçe were promoted to Division 2 East.

To keep the two Milan clubs in the same league, Wolfsburg are in the west league, even though they are east of Milan.

Here is a map of the sixty teams in the international leagues. Click the rectangle tab thing in the upper left to get to the list where you can deselect the separate divisions.

Here are the final 2016-17 standings.

These standings include games only against teams in their division (Super League or Division 2). Note that not all teams played any such games this season. I've positioned them based on their UEFA Club Coefficient rankings. That is the tiebreaker in general, after number of games played.

The four teams promoted from the domestic leagues will be the four teams (that aren't above) who progressed the furthest in the Champions League and Europa League. Thus, Leicester City, Monaco and Celta de Vigo qualified for promotion to 2017-18 Division 2. The fourth is Borussia Mönchengladbach, who beat out the following on the UEFA club coefficient tie-breaker: København, Krasnodar, APOEL and Rostov.

European Super League 2015-16

UPDATED 5-29-16: The final standings have been added below.

Some of the richest clubs of European football have been making noise lately about permanent spots in the UEFA Champions League, or creating a closed European Super League. Naturally, I would prefer an open Super League, with promotion and relegation with the domestic leagues.

Since there are too many "big" clubs for one twenty-team league, I have created a twenty-team Super League and a second division with forty teams, split into East and West Leagues. To pick which teams are placed in which leagues, I used the UEFA Club Coefficients from the end of the 2014-15 season.

I envision these leagues playing standard double round-robins. Meanwhile, the remaining top teams in the domestic leagues would continue to play the Champions League similar to today's arrangement. The final four teams in the Champions League would thus be promoted to the Division 2 leagues, while the bottom two from each Division 2 league would be relegated to their respective domestic leagues. These relegated teams would be automatically qualified in the following season's Champions League so they have the potential for promotion as soon as possible.

Here is a map of the sixty teams in the international leagues. Click the rectangle tab thing in the upper left to get to the list where you can deselect the separate divisions.

Here are the final 2015-16 standings.

These standings include games only against teams in their division (Super League or Division 2). Note that some teams did not play any such games this season. I've positioned them based on their UEFA Club Coefficient rankings. That is the tiebreaker in general.

The four teams earning promotion from the domestic leagues, based upon who went furthest in this year's Champions League and Europa League, are: Wolfsburg, Gent, Sparta Praha, and Fenerbahçe.

US Soccer Combined Leagues 2016

UPDATED 1/7/17: Final standings updated with folded teams.

Just suppose that many years ago, the US Soccer Federation required all professional teams to play in the same league system. Just suppose that they decided that it would be best to always have two equal leagues, east and west, and then divide teams vertically into Division 1, Division 2, etc. Just suppose that, each year, they promoted the best teams from Division 2 and relegated the worst teams from Division 1.

And here's the big leap. Just suppose that we didn't have any more teams playing than what we actually have.

In 2016, the USSF has 60 professional teams. Three teams folded/withdrew after the 2015 season (Austin Aztex, Atlanta Silverbacks, and San Antonio Scorpions). New teams added to Division 2 West were Rayo OKC, Rio Grande Valley, San Antonio, and Swope Park Rangers KC. In the East, the new teams in Division 2 were Bethlehem Steel, Cincinnati, Miami, and Orlando City B.

To balance the leagues, Saint Louis was moved from the East to the West.

Here is a map of the teams. Click the rectangle tab thing in the upper left to get to the list where you can deselect the separate divisions.

Here are the final standings:

Since a wonderful home-and-away round robin won't actually happen in each league above, I will substitute that with ranking the teams by points-per-game, including each team's league and cup games actually played in 2016, only counting games against teams in its division (Division 1 or 2).

At least one team from each Division 1 league will be relegated and at least one team from each Division 2 league will be promoted. The final number will be determined by the number of professional teams in 2017 and the resultant promotions without relegations to even out the divisions. Without adjustments to the number of teams, three would be relegated and three would be promoted. Since the same number of teams have been announced for 2017 as played in 2016, three relegations and three promotions are shown.

The Division 2 teams shown as "ineligible for promotion" are B teams. B teams can't be in Division 1.

US Soccer Combined Leagues 2015

UPDATE 1-20-16: Final standings below, with modified relegation/withdrawals based on 2016 teams.

Just suppose that many years ago, the US Soccer Federation required all professional teams to play in the same league system. Just suppose that they decided that it would be best to always have two equal leagues, east and west, and then divide teams vertically into Division 1, Division 2, etc. Just suppose that, each year, they promoted the best teams from Division 2 and relegated the worst teams from Division 1.

And here's the big leap. Just suppose that we didn't have any more teams playing than what we actually have.

In 2015, the USSF had 55 professional teams. Two teams folded after the 2014 season (Chivas USA and Dayton Dutch Lions). New teams added to Division 2 West were Austin Aztex, Colorado Springs Switchbacks, Portland Timbers 2, Real Monarchs SLC, Seattle Sounders 2, Tulsa Roughnecks, and Vancouver Whitecaps 2. In the East, the new teams in Division 2 were Jacksonville Armada, Louisville City, FC Montreal, New York City, New York Red Bulls II, Saint Louis, and Toronto II.

To accommodate regional travel, Atlanta Silverbacks moved from the West to the East, while recently promoted Columbus Crew entered the West.

Here is a map of the teams. Click the rectangle tab thing in the upper left to get to the list where you can deselect the separate divisions.

Here are the final standings for 2015.

Since a wonderful home-and-away round robin didn't actually happen in each league above, I've substituted that with ranking the teams by points-per-game, including each team's league and cup games actually played in 2015, only counting games against teams in its division (Division 1 or 2). Orange County and Sacramento played each other twice this year, and no one else in Division 1, making those games very important in these standings!

LA Galaxy II are ineligible for promotion since "B" teams are not allowed in Division 1.

At least one team from each Division 1 league will be relegated and at least one team from each Division 2 league will be promoted. The final number will be determined by the number of professional teams in 2016 and the resultant promotions without relegations to even out the divisions. Without adjustments to the number of teams, three would be relegated and three would be promoted. Based on the announced number of teams in 2016, two teams from each division will be relegated and three promoted, as shown above.

US Soccer Combined Leagues 2014

Just suppose that many years ago, the US Soccer Federation required all professional teams to play in the same league system. Just suppose that they decided that it would be best to always have two equal leagues, east and west, and then divide teams vertically into Division 1, Division 2, etc. Just suppose that, each year, they promoted the best teams from Division 2 and relegated the worst teams from Division 1.

And here's the big leap. Just suppose that we didn't have any more teams playing than what we actually had and have.

In 2014, the USSF had 43 professional teams. Two teams folded after the 2013 season (Antigua Barracuda and VSI Tampa Bay), while several new teams joined. In the West, LA Galaxy II, Oklahoma City Energy, and Sacramento Republic entered Division 2. In the East, Indy Eleven and New York Cosmos entered Division 2.

Here is a map of the teams. Click the tabby rectangle thing in the upper left to get to the list where you can deselect the separate divisions.

And here are the final standings at the end of the 2014 season.

Since the wonderful home-and-away round robin didn't actually happen, I've substituted that with ranking the teams by points-per-game, including each team's league and cup games actually played in 2014, only counting games against teams in its division (Division 1 or 2).

At least one team from each Division 1 league is relegated. Four teams from each Division 2 league are promoted due the influx of new teams for 2015, to balance out between Divisions 1 and 2.

It's curious that the two last-place teams in these charts actually ceased professional soccer in real life.

US Soccer Combined League 2013

Just suppose that many years ago, the US Soccer Federation required all professional teams to play in the same league system. Just suppose that they decided that it would be best to always have two equal leagues, east and west, before dividing teams vertically into Division 1, Division 2, etc. Just suppose that when they had enough teams, they split into Division 1 and 2 and promoted the best teams from Division 2 each year and relegated the worst teams from Division 1 each year.

And here's the big leap. Just suppose that we didn't have any more teams playing than what we actually had and have.

So in 2013, the USSF had 39 professional teams. This would be split into 20 in the East Division and 19 in the West Division (fewer teams because of greater travel distances). Enough teams had been announced to start in 2014 that the USSF would know they need to divide vertically into Divisions 1 and 2 to keep the league sizes manageable and still have every team play each other twice, home and away. So the USSF declared that the top eleven teams from each division, East and West, would stay in Division 1, while the bottom teams would be relegated to Division 2 to join the new teams in the new leagues.

Here is a map of the teams and a chart of the final standings.

Since the wonderful home-and-away round robin didn't actually happen, I've substituted that with ranking the teams by points-per-game, including all league and cup games actually played in 2013.

Note that Colorado had the same points-per-game as Minnesota and Vancouver. Colorado won the tiebreaker on head-to-head games.

NASL flags

My bit of heraldic knowledge makes me stare at soccer team logos and scratch my head. Many teams use shields, but they wrap so much stuff around and across the shield, that it's clear they don't mean the shield to actually stand alone.

So I thought to make them stand alone.

What follows is a compilation of NASL team armorial banners, which are flags based strictly on the coat of arms, which is what's on the shield. Except, though, that I deleted the words.

For the teams without shields (thanks be to them) or a circle logo that I could pretend was a shield, I just put their logo on a plain background, but deleted the non-stylized words. I had to keep the word for the Rowdies, otherwise it would be an exceedingly boring flag.

1904:

Jacksonville Armada:

Miami:

New York Cosmos:

Puerto Rico:

Atlanta Silverbacks (last season 2015):

Carolina RailHawks (rebranded in 2016):

Edmonton (last season 2017):

Fort Lauderdale Strikers (last season 2016):

Indy Eleven (last season 2017):

Minnesota United (last season 2016):

North Carolina (last season 2017):

Rayo Oklahoma City (last season 2016):

Ottawa Fury (last season 2016):

San Antonio Scorpions (last season 2015):

San Francisco Deltas (last season 2017):

Tampa Bay Rowdies (last season 2016):

Soccer balls!