The Evil Emperor's Tool, part 1

[A Star Wars parody of "Another Brick in the Wall, part 1" by Pink Floyd]

Vader hunts for the rebels
Searching for a Skywalker
A signal from an icy planet

Vader, how you know Luke's hiding there?
Vader, how d'ya know Luke's hiding there?

Ozzel fool, it was just the Emperor's tool
Ozzel fool, we are all the Emperor's tool

The Cold Ice

[A Star Wars parody of "The Thin Ice" by Pink Floyd]

Leia loves you, buddy
And Artoo loves you, too
And this tauntaun may look warm to you, Luke
But your face is turning blue

Ooh, this smells
Ooh, this smells so bad
Ooh, ooh, so bad

If you should go fighting
In the cold ice of a wampa cave
Waving your saber, you cut off its arm
And escape just to land on your face

Don't be surprised when a swirl of the ice
Appears like Obi-wan
You slip out of your depth and out of your mind
With your blood flowing out behind you
As you hug the cold ice

Use the Force?

[A Star Wars parody of "In the Flesh?" by Pink Floyd]

So ya
Thought ya
Might like to join in the show
To feel the warm thrill of Force power
That Jedi knight glow

Tell me, is something eluding you, young boy?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out how to use Jedi Force
You'll just have to go to Dagobah, of course

Moisture Farm of Owen, the Album

Twenty or so years ago, I read a draft of lyrics about C3PO on Tatooine, called "Moisture Farm de Owen" and written to the tune of "Hotel California" by the Eagles. I edited the lyrics to make it better fit the song, to my liking. I also wrote a sequel about the heroes' time on the Death Star, to the tune of "Life in the Fast Lane" from the same album.

The Eagles' album, Hotel California, was the most popular album in the United States shortly before the first Star Wars movie was released, so they magically fit together.

I recently got the notion to finish the full album in parodies, to tell the whole story of Star Wars: Episode IV, A New Hope set to music. Here is the result:

Moisture Farm of Owen
Princess in Chains
Life in the Death Star
Give Sorrow No Time
Victim of Greed
Pretty Droids All in a Row
Live to Fight Again
The Last Battle

The Last Battle

[A Star Wars parody of "The Last Frontier" by the Eagles]

She came from Alderaan, destroyed by Tarkin
Imprisoned on the Death Star, she escaped from there
She took the station plans to the rebel base
They searched for a fatal flaw, with all due haste

If we shot the thermal port, it would disintegrate
So we manned our fighter craft, may the Force be with you
And we flew from Yavin 4, hoping we'd survive
Fighting for a republic, fighting for our lives

Gold group started their attack, Red group drew their fire
TIE fighters joined the fight, led by Darth Vader
And he killed us one by one, none would survive
We lost Tiree, we lost Dutch, they came from behind

Then three X-wings flew down across the Death Star
To the canyon of the port, going full throttle
Worry about the TIE fighters, worry about the tower
Worry about the targeting, and hear the old fossil

Darth Vader came and shot up Wedge, but nobody caught him
He set his sights on Darklighter, and Biggs, he bought it
Leaving Luke out all alone, never the same
He watched his old friend die, burst into flame

Luke left his computer behind to use Obi-wan's Force
Vader couldn't hit him, but he shot Artoo
Tarkin fired up the Death Star gun, rebel base in range
To bring the Empire's fist down, to bring the Empire's reign

The Falcon appeared out from the sun, sent Vader on the run
Left Luke all in the clear, we have got to end it here
We gladly blew that evil thing, and justified our bloody deed
In the name of history and in the name of love

And you can see them there in the temple throne room
Stand up and cheer about what we did up there
They called it Death Star, I don't know why
You call some place Death Star, kiss it goodbye

Live to Fight Again

[A Star Wars parody of "Try and Love Again" by the Eagles]

In my cockpit on my own
Where the Empire tries to fry me
Like a circle, I fly around
Luke was lost until I found him
Saved him from those fighters

One by one, those TIE fighters come
Day by day, rebel pilots fade away

Ooh, the trench showed to our eyes
Turbo lasers might be found there
Vader showed up right on time
And the moves he made, so fine
Hit my X-wing that surrounds me

Should I stay or go?
I really want to know
Would we lose or win
If I live to fight again?
Oh, gonna live to fight again
Oh, I'm gonna live to fight again
Oh, gonna live to fight

Right or wrong, what's done is done
It's only moments that you borrow
But the thoughts will linger on
Of the glory and the bombs
When the sun comes up tomorrow

Well, it might take years
To cover all my fears
What do you know?
I'm still here, so let it go

Oh, gonna live to fight again
Oh, gonna live to fight again
Oh, gonna live to fight again
Oh, sometimes lose, sometimes win
Sometimes you need to live
Oh, gonna live, gonna live

Gonna live, gonna live, gonna live, gonna live
Gonna live, gonna live, gonna live, gonna live
Gonna live, gonna live, gonna live, gonna live
Gonna live

Pretty Droids All in a Row

[A Star Wars parody of "Pretty Maids All in a Row" by the Eagles]

"Hello there, come over and don't be afraid"
Seems like we've come a long way
Humans, they learn so slow
And heroes, they come and they go
And leave us behind as if we're supposed to know
Why, why

Why have we taken so much in the past?
And why must we blow up so fast?

And all you smuggling fools with your fortunes
Someone should send you a rose
With love from a friend, we hope to see you once again
The preparations come to a close
Here comes the battle they chose
X-wings to fly, Death Star to blow
Pretty droids all in a row

Victim of Greed

[A Star Wars parody of "Victim of Love" by the Eagles]

What kind of greed have you got?
You should stay here, but you're not
A room full of noise and dangerous toys
The help that they need is a lot

I heard about you and your plan
There's just one thing I don't understand
Jabba wants ten thousand but they paid you twenty
How come you still got that cash in your hands?

Victim of greed, I see a jaded heart
You got your stories to tell
Victim of greed, it's such an easy part
And you know how to play it so well

Some people never come clean
I think you know what I mean
You're walking the wire, regret and desire
Looking for scams in between

Chewie jump in now, you know that I'm right
This ain't no time to be cruel
You must help these people, the Death Star is coming
The rebels aren't losers and fools

Victim of greed, I see a caring heart
I could be wrong, but I'm not, no I'm not
Victim of greed, we're not so far apart
Show me what kind of soul have you got

Victim of greed, I see a caring heart
I could be wrong, but I'm not
Victim of greed, we're not so far apart
What kind of soul have you got?

Victim of greed, you're just a victim of greed
I could be wrong, but I'm not, no I'm not
Victim of greed, now you're a victim of greed
What kind of soul have you got?
What kind of soul have you got?
What kind of soul have you got?

Give Sorrow No Time

[A Star Wars parody of "Wasted Time" by the Eagles]

Well, Luke, there you stand
With your little head down in your hand
Oh my god, you can't believe
It's happening again
Kenobi's gone and you're all alone
And it looks like the end

But you're back out into space
And you must try to remember
How to start it over
You don't know if you can
You may have lost Ben and your family
But I lost Alderaan

You never thought you'd be alone
So soon down the line
But I know that I've made my mind
I'm afraid we must give sorrow no time

Kenobi's death has got you thinking
How Aunt and Uncle burned and fell
You didn't love them too much, no no
You just loved them too well, farewell

So you must live from day to day
And you must dream about tomorrow
When the fighters come swooping over
You must make them pay
So you shoot them with the cannon
And make them go away

We can do so many things, my friend
If we can only stop our minds
From wondering what we left behind
So stop crying and give sorrow no time

Another fight has come and gone
And the Falcon keeps rushing on
So remember what Ben told you
Before he left you on your own
Sometimes to find your destiny
You must set out from home

So you can get on with your quest, my friend
And I can can get on with mine
And maybe when we win this fight
We can finally give our sorrow some time

Life in the Death Star

[A Star Wars parody of "Life in the Fast Lane" by the Eagles]

Han was a hard-headed man
He was brutally handsome
Leia was terminally pretty
They locked her up
And they held without ransom
In the heart of the spherical city

Luke said to gently bind Chewbacca
As a cruel dude
They said he was fearsome
They said he was rude
Guards had one thing in common
They were suddenly dead
Han said, "Faster, faster
"The lights are blinking red!"

Life in the Death Star
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the Death Star

Trapped with her highness
Hot from the flames
"It isn't my fault, miss
"Luke is the brains"
Leia shot a chute open
And down they all fell
They landed in garbage
What a wonderful smell

There was a creature in the water
A creature 'round Luke's face
The dianoga got him
Luke was gone without a trace
Walls started closing in
And Luke was okay
They would surely have been crushed to death
If Artoo hadn't saved the day

Life in the Death Star
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the Death Star
Life in the Death Star
On the run all the time
Life in the Death Star

Stormtroopers found them
Chased them to thirst
They didn't see the bridge out
Took a turn for the worst
She said, "Listen mister
"You can hear the Wilhelm scream
"You shot the extender panel
"Haven't done a goddamn thing"

Luke said, "Hold my blaster
"I think I got a plan
"The bad guys, they are coming
"So I got to be the man"
They went swinging 'cross the chasm
Ran around and got lost
They really did care
They were just dying to get off

And it was life in the Death Star
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the Death Star
Life in the Death Star
On the run all the time
Life in the Death Star

Princess in Chains

[A Star Wars parody of "New Kid in Town" by the Eagles]

There's talk in the hall
It sounds so familiar
Bad feeling about this
Everybody's watching you
Who has the gall?
Tarkin and his eyes of blue
Even Darth Vader
Wants to torture you

Leia in binders
The princess in chains
Everybody hates you
So don't show no pain

You look in his eyes
The countdown begins to play
Far too trusting
Never hope again
Your planet gets fried
You can't look the other way
It's those hopeful hearts
That never mend

Leia in binders
The princess in chains
What will you do now
In Alderaan's remains?

There's so many deaths caused by that soldier
Vader and Tarkin couldn't be colder, no colder
Tears on your shoulder

There's talk in the cell block
It's there to remind you
It really does matter
Which side you're on
You're locked away
And they're talking behind you
They will not execute you
If somebody new comes along

Where you been lately?
There's a Jedi on base
Everybody hunts him, don't they?
And Vader wants him, and you're still in chains
Oh my my

There's a Jedi on base
Obi-wan's the Jedi on base
Ooh, everybody's talking 'bout the Jedi on base
Ooh, but you won't be walking with the Jedi on base

There's a Jedi on base
Help me Ben Kenobi
There's a Jedi on base
Help me Ben Kenobi
There's a Jedi on base
There's a Jedi on base

You're a princess in chains
Everybody's talking
You're a princess in chains
You won't be walking
You're a princess in chains
You're a princess in chains

Moisture Farm of Owen

[A Star Wars parody of "Hotel California" by the Eagles]

On a hot desert planet
Coarse sand everywhere
Warm smell of bantha poodoo
Rising up through the air

Up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
I waved my arms and I yelled real loud
A sandcrawler was in sight

So I entered the transport
I hit my head with a bonk
And I was thinking to myself
Why does that power droid always say "gonk"?

Then they zapped my restraining bolt
And they showed me the way
There were two men out there buying us
I thought I heard one say

Welcome to the moisture farm of Owen
Such a boring place
Wish I was in space
There's plenty of room at the moisture farm of Owen
Any time of year
It's hot as hell out here

Luke's mind's Academy twisted
He's got the Anchorhead trends
He's got a lot of pretty, pretty droids
That he calls friends

How they work in the courtyard
Constantly sweat
Luke wants to remember
Owen wants to forget

So I called up my master
Artoo ran off this time
I said, the odds of finding that droid
Are one in sixty-nine

We're then saved by old Jedi Ben
Who lives far away
Jawas killed so my master takes flight
There's no one left to say

Welcome to the moisture farm of Owen
Such a destroyed place
Such a destroyed face
There's smoke rising up from the moisture farm of Owen
What a bad surprise
Look into his eyes

Luke returned from the homestead
He was looking very glum
And Ben said, "You would have been killed too, Luke
"There's nothing you could have done"

And in the Mos Eisley Cantina
I got kicked out from the feast
That's where they met up with Han Solo
And a big, hairy oaf of a beast

Next thing I remember
I was hiding behind a door
I had to find a passage back
To Docking Bay 94

"Blip blip," said the spy man
They were programmed to receive
They started shooting at our smuggler's ship
And we could barely leave

European Super League 2016-17

UPDATED 6-4-17: The final standings have been added below.

Some of the richest clubs of European football have been making noise about permanent spots in the UEFA Champions League, or creating a closed European Super League. Naturally, I would prefer an open Super League, with promotion and relegation with the domestic leagues.

Since there are too many "big" clubs for one twenty-team league, I have created a twenty-team Super League and a second division with forty teams, split into East and West Leagues. To pick which teams are placed in which leagues, I used the UEFA Club Coefficients from the end of the 2014-15 season. After the 2015-16 season, two teams were relegated from the Super League to Division 2, replaced by the east and west champions. Two teams from each Division 2 league were relegated, replaced by the four teams that progressed the furthest in the Champions League and Europa League. (Ideally, this would just be the final four Champions League teams, with the relegated teams automatically qualified for the next season's Champions League so they have the potential for promotion as soon as possible).

Basel 1893 were relegated from the Super League to Division 2 West. Shakhtar Donetsk were relegated from the Super League to Division 2 East. PSV Eindhoven and Dynamo Kyiv were promoted to the Super League. Hannover 96, Twente, Metalist Kharkiv, and København were relegated to their respective domestic leagues. Wolfsburg and Gent were promoted to Division 2 West. Sparta Praha and Fenerbahçe were promoted to Division 2 East.

To keep the two Milan clubs in the same league, Wolfsburg are in the west league, even though they are east of Milan.

Here is a map of the sixty teams in the international leagues. Click the rectangle tab thing in the upper left to get to the list where you can deselect the separate divisions.

Here are the final 2016-17 standings.

These standings include games only against teams in their division (Super League or Division 2). Note that not all teams played any such games this season. I've positioned them based on their UEFA Club Coefficient rankings. That is the tiebreaker in general, after number of games played.

The four teams promoted from the domestic leagues will be the four teams (that aren't above) who progressed the furthest in the Champions League and Europa League. Thus, Leicester City, Monaco and Celta de Vigo qualified for promotion to 2017-18 Division 2. The fourth is Borussia Mönchengladbach, who beat out the following on the UEFA club coefficient tie-breaker: København, Krasnodar, APOEL and Rostov.