Killer, the Album

So of course, I had to finish the trilogy.

After Moisture Farm of Owen and The Empire, I had to write the lyrics for Star Wars: Episode VI, Return of the Jedi, set to the most popular album of 1983, Michael Jackson's Thriller.

Some of the lyrics of "Thriller" fit perfectly with the battle over the sarlacc's pit, without change. And Palpatine easily replaced Billie Jean (once I figured how to spell "emperor" as two syllables). After that, it was just listening for the background vocals and differentiating oohs from hoos.

Here are the songs:

Jabba Be Startin' Somethin'
Welcome Back Han
The One Jedi
Killer (Sarlacc Fight)
Beat Him
Palpatine
Ewok Nature
J.Y.T. (Jedi Young Thing)
The Falcon in My Life

The Falcon in My Life

[A Star Wars parody of "The Lady in My Life" by Michael Jackson]

Han lent me the fastest ship
I promised not a scratch
(Not even a scratch)
I'm back behind the controls
And leading the main attack
(Rebel attack)
Now, we get to Endor but no shield reading
It must be up still, it's a trap

TIE fighters coming in
So we accelerate, attack
And my ship is part of me
I can slice 'em like a knife
And we are all at risk
From the Death Star, laser blast
So I promise you, my ship
That you will always be the Falcon in my life

We won't get another chance
My old buddy Han won't let us down
Girl, I need your guns full strength, oh
All fighters follow me
Han did it and soon we will be free
Now in we go

And through tunnels we race
Scrape the roof but still we fly
And those TIE fighters still chase
Power generator, we spy
We fire our missiles
And the structure starts to give way
I will fly you fast and pray
'Cause you will always be the Falcon in my life

Through the flames
I'm flying through the flames
I need you to survive

(Ooh girl, it's a little warm)
Let's get out of here
(You are the Falcon in my life)
You're my Falcon
(Escape from the fireball)
I wanna yee-ha!
(Always the Falcon in my life)
I wanna celebrate
(Empire is at an end)
(You are the Falcon in my life)
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
(Must give you back to my friend)
(Always the Falcon in my life)
You're my Falcon and I love you, girl

(Ooh girl, feel your engines burn)
Ooh
(You are the Falcon in my life)
Let's get out of here
(Keep you all for myself)
(Always the Falcon in my life)
I love you, I love you, I need you, I want you, baby
(Can't give you back to buddy Han)
Stay with me
(You are the Falcon in my life)
Let's get out of here
(I don't need to make a plan)
And I love you, baby
(Always the Falcon in my life)
Ooh

Ooh babe
Let's get out of here
You're my Falcon
You're out of sight

(I should take you back to Han)
I wanna keep you, though
(You are the Falcon in Han's life)
In my life, now
(To Endor where I should land)
Let me fly you, babe
(Always the Falcon in Han's life)
All over, all over, all over
(Go back to my buddy Han)
Go back with me
(You are the Falcon in his life)
Let me take you there
(Forest clearing, now I'm gonna land)
I want to go
(Always the Falcon in his life)
All over, all over, all over, all over, all over, all over, all over baby

(Ooh girl, now you're back with Han)
(You are the Falcon in his life)
Ooh
(Now I go party with them)
(Always the Falcon in my life)
You're my Falcon
(You deserve better than him)
You're my Falcon, baby
(You are the Falcon in my life)
Ooh

J.Y.T. (Jedi Young Thing)

[A Star Wars parody of "P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)" by Michael Jackson]

You know you
You make me feel so evil inside
I'm glad I have a son just like you
Such a J-Y-T, Jedi young thing
Ooh

We knew you'd come to me
And you've accepted the truth
Powerful, you are, my son
The dark side has got a hold on me
You will die if that's your destiny
Your master now is the Emperor
We have trapped your friends
Hope is at an end
It is pointless to resist, my son
Let me show you the dark side

I want to train you (J-Y-T)
Jedi young thing
Release your hatred (I-Y-D)
It's your destiny
And I'll take you there
Luke, ooh
I want to train you (J-Y-T)
Jedi young thing
You are his servant (I-Y-D)
It's your destiny
And I'll take you there
(Anywhere you wanna go)
Yes I will, ooh

Nothin' can stop this Death Star
From firin' upon your friends
Gotta see the show, Jedi
Won't you fight, use your hate 'gainst me
There's no conflict, son, there is no good in me
You've a twin sister, your thoughts reveal
If you will not turn, then perhaps she will
You attack with all you got
You cut my hand, but then you stop

You say you won't turn (J-Y-T)
Jedi young thing
So be it, Jedi (I-Y-D)
It's your destiny
The Emp'ra's lightning
Killin' you, killin' you
I want to save you (J-Y-T)
Jedi young thing
You are my only son (I-Y-D)
It's your destiny
And I'll save you now
Yes I will

(Jedi young thing) unh (I'll set you free)
(Jedi young thing) unh (I'll set you free)

Jedi young thing, repeat after me
Say no no no (no no no)
No no no no (no no no no)
Say no no no (no no no)
No no no no no (no no no no no)
I killed the Emperor, killed the Emperor

I want to see you (J-Y-T)
Jedi young thing
Please take my mask off (I-Y-D)
It's your destiny
And you've saved me now
Saved me now, saved me now
I want to tell you (J-Y-T)
Jedi young thing
You were right about me (I-Y-D)
It's your destiny
And tell your sister you were right

Hoo, hoo (J-Y-T)
Ah, Luke (I-Y-D)
Ah, Luke, ooh

And I think
I think you'll be a great Jedi
(J-Y-T)
If I could just
Could just stay alive
(I-Y-D)
Such a J-Y-T to me
Jedi young thing

Oh Luke, oh Luke
Oh son (J-Y-T)
Oh son (I-Y-D)
You saved me, ooh

Ewok Nature

[A Star Wars parody of "Human Nature" by Michael Jackson]

Looking down
At enemy scouts
The forest gives cover to Han
"Hey, it's me"
Starts a fistfight
Luke says, "great, come on"

Over there
Two more of them
We jump a bike and take flight
Chase the scouts
I crash my speeder
Jabbed by a furry sight

And I say
Why, why, guess it's just his Ewok nature
Why, why does he poke me that way
And I say
Why, why, guess it's just his Ewok nature
Why, why, such a jittery thing

Looking out
We kill a stranger
He takes me home to his town
Their drums beat
An Ewok banquet
My captive friends are bound

And they say
Why, why, guess it's just their Ewok nature
Why, why do they cook us this way
And they say
Why, why, guess it's just their Ewok nature
Why, why do they worship that way

Threepio threatens that way
Luke flies him that way
(That way) why oh why
(That way) why oh why

Ewoks scream
Scared of his magic
They release my friends tonight
Threepio
Tells our story
The Ewoks join our fight

If they say
Why, why, tell 'em that it's Ewok nature
Why, why do they help us that way
If they say
Why, why, ooh, tell them
Why, why are they happy that way

If they say
Why, why, tell 'em that it's Ewok nature
Why, why do they help us that way
If they say
Why, why, ooh, tell them
Why, why are they happy that way

If they say
Why, why, ooh, tell them
Why, why do they help us that way
If they say
Why, why, da da da da da da da da
Why, why are they happy that way

I like livin' this way
Why oh why
(That way) why oh why
(That way) why, why
(That way)

Palpatine

[A Star Wars parody of "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson]

Out near Sullust, we rebels meet, with our ragtag fleet
Against the Emp'ra and we must beat his new Death Star
Being built 'round the moon of Endor
The Death Star won't go far, 'cause the gun doesn't work, so far

Arriving there at the Death Star scene, Emp'ra Palpatine
And many Bothans have died to glean, his new Death Star
Being built 'round the moon of Endor

Admiral Ackbar told us, has a shield from the moon
And we must disable it from the start
Then Lando and his fighters commence the grand attack
And destroy the Death Star good and we will win the war, hey hey

Palpatine is not my emp'ra
He's just a Sith who will now reap what he's sown (oh no)
'Cause the Death Star must be blown (ooh)
He'll now reap what he's sown, 'cause the Death Star must be blown

So Han Solo set up his strike team, they are rough and mean
But he doesn't have a crew to command the shuttle to land
Secretly on the moon of Endor
So Chewie growled "count me in" and Leia and Luke raised their hands
(Count me in, count me in)

We flew the Shuttle Tydirium back to Endor, then
We don't know if our code is actual, so fly casual (oh no)
Past the ship to the moon of Endor

Their controller told us, the shield will go down
So follow your present course (stay on course)
"No problem," said the general, we headed for the ground
"I said it was gonna work," now let's win this war, hey hey

Palpatine is not my emp'ra (ooh)
He's just a Sith who will now reap what he's sown
'Cause the Death Star must be blown (no no no, no no, no no no)
Hoo

Palpatine is not my emp'ra
He's just a Sith who will now reap what he's sown
'Cause the Death Star must be blown (no no)
He'll now reap what he's sown, 'cause the Death Star must be blown (hee hee hee)

Hee hee hee, hoo, hoo
He'll now reap what he's sown, 'cause the Death Star must be blown (no no no, ooh)

Palpatine is not my emp'ra
He's just a Sith who will now reap what he's sown (don't mess with us, man)
'Cause the Death Star must be blown (no no no, no no no)
He'll now reap what he's sown, 'cause the Death Star must be blown

He'll now reap what he's sown (ooh, he's gonna get his)
He'll now also be blown (Gonna be killed soon)
He'll now reap what he's sown
Palpatine is not my emp'ra
Palpatine is not my emp'ra
Palpatine is not my emp'ra
Palpatine is not my emp'ra
Palpatine is not my emp'ra
Palpatine is not my emp'ra

Beat Him

[A Star Wars parody of "Beat It" by Michael Jackson]

The Force has been my way for nine hundred years
Sick have I become and now my end is near
A Jedi won't you be, and now I want to be clear
Till you beat him, just beat him

Your father, Vader is, and he's an evil man
Avoid aggression, fear and anger, best you can
Don't underestimate the Emp'ra, you must have a plan
And beat him
But you want to be sad

Just beat him (beat him) beat him (beat him)
Vader must die so defeat him
You must confront Vader and complete the fight
You're our only hope to make the universe right

Just beat him (beat him)
Just beat him (beat him)
Just beat him (beat him)
Just beat him (beat him) Ooh!

Now Yoda died and Luke, you're lookin' kinda blue
My friend turned evil, changed his name, a day I rue
I told you what was true, from a certain point of view
So beat him, just beat him

I failed to train your father to the Jedi plan
I couldn't turn him back, he's more machine than man
Don't think about your sister, you must hide her if you can
So beat him
But you think he had good

Just beat him (beat him) beat him (beat him)
Vader must die so defeat him
You must confront Vader and complete the fight
You're our only hope to make the universe right

Just beat him (beat him) beat him (beat him)
Vader must die so defeat him
You must confront Vader and complete the fight
You're our only hope to make the universe right

Just beat him, beat him, beat him, beat him, beat him
Beat him, beat him, beat him, beat him
Beat him, beat him, beat him, beat him
Beat him, beat him, beat him, beat him
Beat him, beat him, beat him, beat him

Beat him (beat him) beat him (beat him)
Vader must die so defeat him
You must confront Vader and complete the fight
You're our only hope to make the universe right

Just beat him (beat him) beat him (beat him)
Vader must die so defeat him
You must confront Vader and complete the fight
You're our only hope to make the universe right

Just beat him (beat him) beat him (beat him)
Vader must die so defeat him
You must confront Vader and complete the fight
You're our only hope to make the universe right

Just beat him (beat him) beat him (beat him)
Vader must die so defeat him
You must confront Vader and complete the fight
You're our only hope to make the universe right

Just beat him (beat him) beat him (beat him)

Killer (Sarlacc Fight)

[A Star Wars parody of "Thriller" by Michael Jackson]

The sun is hot light, but sarlacc's down there hiding in the dark
Below our skiff lies a pit of thousand teeth all razor sharp
We must be free, or Jabba dies, he knows this is his last chance
Guard pushes me, and horror looks me right between the eyes
It's his demise

This will be killer, sarlacc fight
And no one's gonna save you when the Jedi starts to strike
You know it's killer, sarlacc fight
You're fighting for your life inside a thriller killer gunfight

Ooh
My sword in my hand, you realize there's nowhere left to run
You land in hot sand and tumble down the pit away from sun
Guard closes eyes and hopes that this is just imagination
But all the while, you hear a Jedi creepin' up behind
You're out of time

'Cause this is killer sarlacc fight
There ain't no second chance against the thing with lockin' bite
Killer sarlacc fight
You're fighting for your life inside thriller killer swordfight

Boba Fett aims and blind Han hits him right in the rocket pack
There's no escapin' the jaws of the alien this time
(They're open wide)
This is the end of your life, ooh

I'm out to get you, jump to Jabba's barge, land on the side
I will destroy you unless you drop your gun and run and hide
Now is the time to get the gun and point it at the deck there
Away we fly and save our friends, explosion on the barge
I set us free

It was a killer sarlacc fight
'Cause I got skill to take on any fool like Jabba dare try
Killer sarlacc fight
So let them all explode and end the
Thriller spiller griller killer sarlacc fight

It was a killer sarlacc fight
'Cause I got skill to take on any fool like Jabba dare try
Killer sarlacc fight
So let them all explode and end the
Thriller killer
Ow!
That was the sarlacc fight

Bodies fall across the land
I reach to snare those close at hand
Excited by the smell of blood
I drag them down the pit I dug
And nonesoever shall be found
And not a soul will hear a sound
I'll doom you with my terror spell
To agonize eternal hell

Was a killer fight (killer)
Ooh (killer)
The sarlacc fight (sarlacc fight) (killer)
I won (the fight)
The sarlacc fight (Jedi) (he won)
Ooh hoo yeah (ooh hoo) (killer fight)
I won the fight (killer) (ooh hoo hoo)
The fight (oh baby)
Killer fight (killer fight)
Ooh

The foulest stench is in my lair
The funk of forty thousand years
My victims shriek in every room
I eat their souls, I am their tomb
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The sarlacc, mighty killer
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha

The One Jedi

[A Star Wars parody of "The Girl Is Mine" by Michael Jackson]

Thanks to Bib, I walked right into here
And I know you are annoyed
You will bring Chewie and Han to me
Either that or be destroyed

Profit or die
'Cause I'm the one Jedi
I would not lie
'Cause I'm the only one Jedi

I don't understand the way you think
Trying tricks upon my mind
There will be no bargain, young Jedi
Really just a waste of time

Prepare to die
Don't care you're Jedi
Don't waste your time
Because you'll soon be dead, Jedi

      Don't you dare shoot at me
      (Luke, you're standing where--)
Now I'm falling endlessly
(Panic we will share)

So one guard fell with me, the dungeon
Look out, here comes the Rancor
Now the guard is his dinner
And I'm grabbed by the monster
Into its big mouth I stick a femur

      I don't want the Rancor to slow down
      'Cause I really feel it's time
I know the Rancor has me trapped in here
But that gate will crush its mind

It has died
'Cause I'm the one Jedi
I did survive
'Cause I'm the only one Jedi

      You'll die
You'll die
      No no no, you'll die
The one Jedi
      You all will die
The one Jedi
      (You all will die)

Solo will die (die die)
Yep, he'll die (die die)
Wookie will die (die die)
Yes, he'll die (die die)

Don't waste your time
'Cause I'm the one Jedi
The one Jedi

      Jedi, you will pay for what you've done
Jabba, I think I told you, don't underestimate my powers
      I've heard it all before, and what kind of Jedi are you, without a lightsaber?
Well, I'm powerful enough to kill your pet Rancor
      You'll die for that
I killed it and it was easy
      I don't believe it (die die)
      No

The one Jedi (die die die)
      No, Jedi
Jedi (die die)
      You'll die die die die die (die die die)
The one Jedi (die die)
      No, you will die
The one Jedi (die die die)
      No, you will die

Welcome Back Han

[A Star Wars parody of "Baby Be Mine" by Michael Jackson]

I won't need no dreams when I'm by your side, ooh ooh
I had to sneak in here wearing a disguise
Han, I want to hold you
Warm you in my arms and melt carbonite away
Show you all the magic that a perfect love can make
I will work night and day

To welcome back Han (I will welcome back Han)
And man, I'll give you all I got to give
To welcome back you, Han (love so strong)
And we will share in liberty
As long as we believe in love
Ooh

This might give Jabba reason to do us wrong
(I guess it's still you thrill me, welcome back Han)
You are all the future for which I long
Han, I need to hold you
Deactivate the cold carbonite's embrace
Glow you, all the metal burning off your anguished face
I hope that it will fade

So welcome back, Han (hibernation blind)
And man, I'll give you all I got to give
So welcome back, Han, love (all the time)
You're everything I want to see
The reason that I live

Won't you come with me out to the morning sun?
I promise you now that your eyesight will return
Han, can't you feel that our future's just begun
It's livin' here inside our hearts

Jabba' laugh says something' else goin' on
(Please be still, he'll kill you, welcome back, Han)
He was goin' to pay, you have it all wrong
Han, you got to hold me
We can touch the sky and light the darkest day
Hold me, we are captive now but we'll escape some way
There's no more I can say

So welcome back, Han (I love you, Han, listen to him, welcome back, Han)
(Jabba, I'll pay you triple, a fortune)
And man, I'll give you all I got to give (you're throwing away a fortune here)
So welcome back, Han (Don't be a fool)
(Isn't how it should be, not at all)
You're everything I want to see (everything not all right)
The reason that I live (welcome back)

So welcome back, Han, love (tell me that you love me, just one time)
And man, I'll give you all I got to give (say you will be my love, just one time)
So welcome back, Han, welcome back, Han (you know how it should be, all the time)
You're everything this galaxy could be (everything not all right, Jabba no)

Jabba no, Jabba no (Jabba, don't you touch me, stay away)
Oh hoo (Jabba, you'll regret this, mark my words)
Oh Jabba, oh no (you will regret touchin' me, mark my words)
Our friends are powerful so leave me be (everything, not all right, Jabba no)
Jabba no, Jabba no (Jabba, don't you touch me, stay away)
Jabba, oh no, oh (Jabba, you'll regret this, mark my words)
So welcome back, Han

Jabba Be Startin' Somethin'

[A Star Wars parody of "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" by Michael Jackson]

Ooh

I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
Jabba be startin' somethin'
I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
Jabba be startin' somethin'
I'm too rich to take over (yeah yeah)
Too strong to plunder (yeah yeah)
So don't you try it (yeah yeah)
Your pain will be thunder (yeah yeah)
I'm too rich to take over (yeah yeah)
Too strong to plunder (yeah yeah)
So don't you try it (yeah yeah)
Your pain will be thunder (yeah yeah)

I got Han in carbonite
He is frozen, feet off the ground
My favorite decoration
He will never, ever come down
Someone's always tryin'
From my hands, be pryin'
Talkin', squealin', lyin'
Sayin' you just wanna be startin' somethin'

I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
Jabba be startin' somethin'
I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
Jabba be startin' somethin'
I'm too rich to take over (yeah yeah)
Too strong to plunder (yeah yeah)
So don't you try it (yeah yeah)
Your pain will be thunder (yeah yeah)
I'm too rich to take over (yeah yeah)
Too strong to plunder (yeah yeah)
So don't you try it (yeah yeah)
Your pain will be thunder (yeah yeah)

Two droids knock and enter my hood
They are certain up to no good
Got a message from their master
Fill my throne room up with laughter
Someone's always tryin'
From my hands, be pryin'
Treacherous, cunnin', cryin'
Jedi falsifyin'

I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
Jabba be startin' somethin'
I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
Jabba be startin' somethin'
I'm too rich to take over (yeah yeah)
Too strong to plunder (yeah yeah)
So don't you try it (yeah yeah)
Your pain will be thunder (yeah yeah)
I'm too rich to take over (yeah yeah)
Too strong to plunder (yeah yeah)
So don't you try it (yeah yeah)
Your pain will be thunder (yeah yeah)

Han's a vegetable (he's a vegetable)
Han's a vegetable (he's a vegetable)
Still they hate me (still they hate him)
Han's a vegetable (he's a vegetable)
Could be my table (Jabba's table)
Han's a vegetable (he's a vegetable)
Could eat off of him (could eat off of him)
Han's a vegetable (he's a vegetable)
Ow

Now Luke just keeps on talkin'
When those droids should be walkin'
Makin' me the new droid owner
This is never gettin' older
Someone's always tryin'
From my hands, be pryin'
Talkin', squealin', spyin'
Saying you just wanna be startin' somethin'

I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
Jabba be startin' somethin'
I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
Jabba be startin' somethin'
I'm too rich to take over (yeah yeah)
Too strong to plunder (yeah yeah)
So don't you try it (yeah yeah)
Your pain will be thunder (yeah yeah)
I'm too rich to take over (yeah yeah)
Too strong to plunder (yeah yeah)
So don't you try it (yeah yeah)
Your pain will be thunder (yeah yeah)

Han's a vegetable (he's a vegetable)
Han's a vegetable (he's a vegetable)
Still they hate me (still they hate him)
Han's a vegetable (he's a vegetable)
Could be my table (Jabba's table)
Han's a vegetable (he's a vegetable)
Could eat off of him (could eat off of him)
Han's a vegetable (he's a vegetable)
Ow, ow, yee-hah, ooh

Oola, dance for me, baby (yeah yeah)
I want you, baby (yeah yeah)
And don't think maybe (yeah yeah)
Come over here, baby (yeah yeah)
You are always tryin'
Fightin' and denyin'
So down the pit be flyin'
Now Oola's slowly dyin'

I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
Jabba be startin' somethin'
I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
Jabba be startin' somethin'
I'm too rich to take over (yeah yeah)
Too strong to plunder (yeah yeah)
So don't you try it (yeah yeah)
Your pain will be thunder (yeah yeah)
I'm too rich to take over (yeah yeah)
Too strong to plunder (yeah yeah)
So don't you try it (yeah yeah)
Your pain will be thunder (yeah yeah)

Lift your head up high
And scream out to the world
I know I am someone
And let the truth unfurl (yee-hah)
No one can hurt me now
Because I know what's true
Yes, I believe in me
There's nothing you can do
Sing it for me

(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Oh ho
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Ho ho ho
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Ho ho ho
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff)
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Sing it for me, Sy
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Ho ho ho
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff)
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Sing it to the world
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Sing it out loud
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Oh ho
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff)
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Sing it for me
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff)
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Ah ha
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Ha ha ha
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Sing it for me
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Ah ha
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Ha ha ha
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff)
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Sing it to the world
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff)
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff)
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff)
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff)
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff)
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff)
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff)
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff)
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Oh ho
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Ho ho ho
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Ho ho ho
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff)
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Sing it for me
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Ha ha ha
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Sing it to the world
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Sing it out loud
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff) Ah ha
(Rat a ran win joct, co jappi qoff)

The Empire, the Album

After finishing Moisture Farm of Owen, I just had to keep writing. The most popular album in the US in 1980, when Star Wars: Episode V, The Empire Strikes Back was released, was Pink Floyd's The Wall.

So I got out my cds, my notepad and pen, and started scribbling furiously in worse handwriting than Roger Waters. Here are the songs:

Use the Force?
The Cold Ice
The Evil Emperor's Tool, part 1
The Proudest Fight of Our Lives/The Evil Emperor's Tool, part 2
Yoda
Goodbye My Friends
Vader's Empire/Han's Love
The Dark Side of the Force
Where Are They Now?
The Evil Emperor's Tool, part 3/Goodbye Dagobah

Lando/It's a Trap, Luke
Soon You'll Be Mine (Boba Fett's Song)
Threepio/Set the Trap
Carbonite Han
The Fight Must Go On
Use the Force
Run for Han
Join Me and You'll Live/No!
The Escape
Outside Their Rule

Outside Their Rule

[A Star Wars parody of "Outside the Wall" by Pink Floyd]

All alone or in twos
The rebels who really love you
Gather together outside their rule

One motley band
And Luke, he has a new hand
Chewbacca and the scoundrel search for Han

And when you fight against the rule
Of those who are evil and cruel, it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad Emperor's tool

The Escape

[A Star Wars parody of "The Trial" by Pink Floyd]

I somehow survived my fall
I grabbed a weathervane on the bottom of this Bespin city
Oh, help me, Ben, please, will you help me?
Ben, please will you tell me Vader's not my father?
Oh, Leia, help

Millennium Falcon!

I know we're free of Bespin, but we must go back
Chewie, turn the ship around 'cause I can take us right to Luke
So don't worry 'bout those fighters
Do you see him hanging?
Chewie, get us underneath
Lando, get him on the ship

Beaten
Why didn't you tell me?
I am beaten
Surely he's lying
Darth Vader's my father and I fade away

Beaten
Why didn't you tell him?
He is beaten

Luke, here's a kiss, you are safe now
I hope you will get better soon
Don't have to talk, I have to go, but I'll be back soon--oh no!
There's a Star Destroyer, start the hyperdrive, it's now or never
"It's not my fault! They said they fixed it!"
The hyperdrive is broke

Artoo!
Why don't we just go to lightspeed?
How d'you know it's deactivated?
Artoo, you know better than to trust a strange computer
I am standing here in pieces
But you have delusions of grandeur

Beaten
That's Vader's ship there
I am beaten
It's my destiny--no
There must have been some truth there in his words
Since I feel it

Beaten
Luke doesn't look good
He is beaten

The end is near because my men switched off the hyperdrive
They'll be in range of the tractor beam in moments
In all my years of fighting, I have never felt before
Someone more deserving of the full benefit of my care
The way I made her suffer
My exquisite wife, your mother
Fills me with the urge to compensate
But, my son, you'll be captured and be mine
Prepare the boarding party and set weapons for stun
Capture that ship!

Capture that ship
Capture that ship, capture that ship
Capture that ship, capture that ship
Capture that ship, capture that ship
Capture that ship, capture that ship
Capture that ship, capture that ship

Fix the hyperdrive, fix the hyperdrive
Fix the hyperdrive--

Join Me and You'll Live/No!

[A Star Wars parody of "Waiting for the Worms" and "Stop" by Pink Floyd]

Ah, Luke, you cannot reach me now
Luke, no matter how you try
The dark side is stronger, it's over
Join my side

It's useless to resist, just put down your sword
Join me and you'll live, unlike Obi-wan
I slash away your hand and there goes your sword
Join me and you'll live, unlike Obi-wan

Join me, don't make me destroy you
Join me, there is no escape now
I am your father

My son, you will search your feelings
My son, you know that it's true
My son, you don't know your power, I'll finish your training
My son, you'll destroy the Emperor, it is your destiny
My son, come with me

My son, we'll resolve this conflict and restore the order
Join me, together we'll rule as father and son
Join me, it's the only way

Would you like to see yourself rule the galaxy, my son?
All you have to do is take my hand
Would you like to end the destructive, pointless, rebel war, my son?
All you need to do is take my hand

Join me now, join me now, join me now, join me now
Join me now, join me now, join me now, join me now
Join me now, join me now, join me now, join me now
Join me now, join me now, join me now, join me now
Join me now, join me now, join me now, join me now
Join me now, join me now, join me now, join me now
Join me now, join me now, join me now, join me now

*****

No!
I'll never join you
Stop with your lies, that is impossible
And I want to step and fall
Because I'd rather die
Then stand one moment at your side

Run for Han

[A Star Wars parody of "Run Like Hell" by Pink Floyd]

Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run

Lando changed his mind and now he's on our side
If we run to the East Platform, we might catch them alive
There goes Boba Fett and the carbonite
We can take a few pot shots, but he blasts out of sight
With our nerves in tatters
As our last hope shatters
And the stormtroopers blaster
Find the door
We better run

Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run

We better run to the Falcon through the firefight
Evacuate the city before more troops arrive
We're not interested in the hyperdrive
Artoo opens up the door and we dash outside
Chewie fires up the engines through the blaster shots
We escape but Han is trapped inside a carbonite block
We better run

Use the Force

[A Star Wars parody of "In the Flesh" by Pink Floyd]

So ya
Thought ya
Might like to join in the show
To feel the warm thrill of Force power
That Jedi knight glow

Well, I've got some bad news for you, young boy
The light side is weak and I will never be beat
So I see that you've got an old lightsaber in your hand
Now we're going to find out what you learned from that man

Can you clash lightsabers if I goad your attack?
That's impressive, most impressive
Will you escape if I knock you on your back?
That's impressive, most impressive

Obi-wan knew that your destiny's with me
Now release your hate and anger and set yourself free
Jump over my head, your sword I can block
If I have my way, I will have you caught

The Fight Must Go On

[A Star Wars parody of "The Show Must Go On" by Pink Floyd]

Ah ooh, ah ah
Ooh Leia, ooh Han
Through Cloud City, I run
Ooh Leia, here I come, here I come, here I come
Ooh Han, just hold on, just hold on, just hold on

There must be some mistake
I didn't mean to let them take away my friends
Are they gone now?
Am I too late?

Ooh Leia, ooh Han
"It's a trap" but I press on
Ooh Leia, ooh Han
Where's everybody gone?

Ooh, ah
The fight must go on

Carbonite Han

[A Star Wars parody of "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd]

Lando, Lando, Lando
Am I really going in there?
Why would you do this to me?
I thought you were my friend
Chewie, Chewie, Chewie
I know you're furious
But you must calm down
And help protect the princess now
Leia, Leia, Leia
Please let me have just one more kiss
At least this won't be slow

I love you

I know

I'm full of pain, you are receding
A huge machine's smoke fills up the chamber
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying
When I first met you, I just lost my planet
My soul cried, overcome with grief
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, I do not understand
This is not how I am
You will become carbonite Han
You will become carbonite Han

Okay, okay, okay
Like a little pinprick
Here comes the carbo--aaaaaaaaaah!
Now I feel a little sick
I am frozen, frozen, frozen
I do believe it's working good
Stuck here like I hibernate in snow
With nowhere I can go

I'm full of pain, you are receding
A huge machine's smoke fills up the chamber
You are now frozen, locked away
Your lips scream, but none can hear what you're saying
When I met you, I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turn to look, our future's gone
I cannot hope to carry on
Your body's cold, the dream is gone
You have become carbonite Han

Threepio/Set the Trap

[A Star Wars parody of "Vera" and "Bring the Boys Back Home" by Pink Floyd]

Does anybody here remember Threepio?
Remember how he said, "Oh please don't shoot, oh no
"Stormtroopers here"?

Threepio, Threepio
Your warning came too late
So now a worthless box of spare parts will be your fate

*****

Set the trap, he's mine
Set the trap, he's mine
We'll test the carbonite one time, time, time
Set the trap, he's mine

It's a trap, Luke, please stay out there

Soon You'll Be Mine (Boba Fett's Song)

[A Star Wars parody of "Nobody Home" by Pink Floyd]

I've got a little black book with my code in
Got a helmet with a scanner and a scope
When I hunt someone, I always capture my goal

I got these durasteel spikes on my shoes
Got this armor of blues
I got thirteen weapons of death on each wrist I can choose from

I've got laser sights
And I win every fight
I got amazing powers of observation

And that is how I knew
The way to follow you
I just had to give it time
Solo, soon you'll be mine

I've got the skills to win at every turn
And a flamethrower to burn
All of my enemies till they are dead or in pain

I've got a blaster carbine that's my first
Choice of weapons to do the worst
Sort of grand destruction, I'll shoot up your mortal remains

I've got a visor over my eyes
And I've got a jetpack to fly
But I got nowhere to fly to

Ooh, Solo, tortured, frozen or fried
I know soon you'll be mine

I've got a bounty to collect
And I've got no regrets

Lando/It's a Trap, Luke

[A Star Wars parody of "Hey You" and "Is There Anybody Out There?" by Pink Floyd]

Lando, not a system but a man
Who might lend a helping hand in Cloud City
Lando, Bespin businessman
Scoundrel pirate friend of Han, far too friendly
Lando, don't lose what is wrong and is right
Don't give in without a fight

Lando, please help fix our hyperdrive
The Falcon is not yours, but mine, I won it fairly
Lando, where is Threepio?
Chewie, see where he could go and please let's hurry
Lando made a deal and has nothing to fear
What do you mean, Darth Vader's here?

But it was only fantasy
The deal was too good
As you can see
No matter how you try
You will not break free
And the darkness creeps into your brain

Lando, get the hell away
You have done enough today and for tomorrow
Lando, nothing but a rat
Helping Vader set his trap, quite the hero
Lando, don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall

We fall, we fall, we fall
We fall, we fall, we fall

*****

It's a trap, Luke, please stay out there
It's a trap, Luke, please stay out there
It's a trap, Luke, please stay out there
It's a trap, Luke, please stay out there

The Evil Emperor's Tool, part 3/Goodbye Dagobah

[A Star Wars parody of "Another Brick in the Wall, part 3" and "Goodbye Cruel World" by Pink Floyd]

I had a vision, the future I see
Friends in trouble, die without me
I have seen how best to serve my friends
Don't think I will sacrifice their plans
No, I don't think I will sacrifice their plans

I'm no fool, but I'm gonna challenge the evil Emperor's tool
I just hope I don't become the evil Emperor's tool

*****

Goodbye, Dagobah
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye

Goodbye, Ben and Yoda
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind
Goodbye

Where Are They Now?

[A Star Wars parody of "Don't Leave Me Now" by Pink Floyd]

Oh, Needa
Where are they now?
Don't say that you lost them again
Remember the orders I gave
I need them, Captain
To put through the shredder
To draw out Skywalker

Oh, Needa
Where are they now?
Where could they go?
So send out the bounty hunters
To find the Millennium Falcon for me

Oh, Captain
Where are they now?
How could you fail me this way?
They ran away

Oh, Needa
Apology 'cepted, Captain Needa

Ooh, Admiral
Ooh, Piett
Ooh, Piett

The Dark Side of the Force

[A Star Wars parody of "One of My Turns" by Pink Floyd]

Day after day, Yoda shows me the way
Of the Force that a Jedi can use
And night after night, I learn how to fight
"But beware of the dark side, for it can consume you"

And something is very not right around here

And I can feel sinister cold from that cave
I feel evil domain it is
With me, I'll take my weapons
Into the cave, here I go

Hiss of a saber!
From the darkness comes Darth Vader
His red lightsaber held high

Don't be so frightened
That way leads to hate and anger
I must remain calm

Yoda, I am not prepared
To face this man alone
And how will I survive this battle?
How did he get here so soon?

Should I give him a fight?
Would ya, would you like to see me try?
Oh, no!

So I take a swing at him
And I cut off his head

Why is he wearing my face?

Vader's Empire/Han's Love

[A Star Wars Parody of "Empty Spaces" and "Young Lust" by Pink Floyd]

What shall we do to flee this asteroid cave
Where we hide from their attack?
How shall we flee Darth Vader's empire?
How shall we escape his wrath?

*****

I'm the best damn pilot
A bounty on my head
Trapped here with you, Princess
Tell me you'd want to be anywhere else instead

Ooh, I need a classy woman
Ooh, you need a scoundrel man

Hyperdrive busted, got dirty hands
You say you only want a nice man
You're afraid of how good it can be
Ooh, Leia, I'll set you free

Ooh, I need a classy woman
Ooh, you need a scoundrel man
Ooh, I need a classy woman
Ooh, you need a scoundrel man

Goodbye My Friends

[A Star Wars parody of "Goodbye Blue Sky" by Pink Floyd]

Ooh, ooh, ooh
D- d- d- did you join the fighting ones?
D- d- d- did you go escape with Han?
D- d- d- did you ever wonder where I went to run for shelter
When Darth Vader and his Stormtroopers attacked us
From the clear blue sky?

Ooh, ooh
D- d- d- did you save the fleeing ones?
D- d- d- did you hear of Dagobah?
The flames are all long gone but the pain lingers on

Goodbye, my friends
Goodbye, my friends
Goodbye
Goodbye

Yoda

[A Star Wars parody of "Mother" by Pink Floyd]

Yoda, should I trust in Obi-wan?
Yoda, should I go to Dagobah?
Yoda, do you think I'll try to save them all?
Ooh ah, Yoda, should I heed the call?
Yoda should I run from these AT-ATs?
Yoda, should I kill who I'm looking at?
Yoda, will they put me in the firing line?
Ooh ah, should I give my sorrow time?

Hush now, Luke Skywalker, don't you cry
Vader's gonna make all of your nightmares come true
Vader's gonna put all of his fears into you
Vader's gonna keep you right here under his wing
He won't let you fly and he won't let you sing
Vader's gonna keep you locked up or dead
Ooh, Skywalker, ooh, Skywalker
Ooh, Skywalker, of course Vader will cut off your head

Yoda, do you think they're safe enough...from him?
Yoda, do you think he's dangerous...to them?
Yoda, will he bring rebellion to an end?
Ooh ah, Yoda, will he kill my friends?

Hush now, Luke Skywalker, don't you cry
Vader's gonna check out all Hoth looking for you
Blockade won't let any those rebels get through
Rebels gonna blow up until you give in
Vader will always find out where you been
Vader's gonna keep hunting, hungry and mean
Ooh, Skywalker, ooh, Skywalker
Ooh, Skywalker, you'll always be a target for me

Yoda, are you even truly real?

The Proudest Fight of Our Lives/The Evil Emperor's Tool, part 2

[A Star Wars parody of "The Happiest Days of Our Lives" and "Another Brick in the Wall, part 2" by Pink Floyd]

When we grew up and worked for food
There were certain soldiers who would
Hurt civilians any way they could

By murdering our parents
And poisoning our kids
And torturing all dissenters
Maliciously to find out what they did

By all, it was well known
When Darth got home at night
That old and psychopathic Emp'ra
Would zap him within inches of his life

*****

We don't need your dark empire
We don't need your Sith control
No shock stormtroopers in our cities
Vader, leave rebels alone
Hey Vader, leave rebels alone

Mean and cruel, you're just the evil Emperor's tool
Buckethead fool, you're just the evil Emperor's tool

We don't need your dark empire
We don't need your Sith control
No shock stormtroopers in our cities
Vader, leave rebels alone
Hey Vader, leave rebels alone

Mean and cruel, you're just the evil Emperor's tool
Buckethead fool, you're just the evil Emperor's tool

The Evil Emperor's Tool, part 1

[A Star Wars parody of "Another Brick in the Wall, part 1" by Pink Floyd]

Vader hunts for the rebels
Searching for a Skywalker
A signal from an icy planet

Vader, how you know Luke's hiding there?
Vader, how d'ya know Luke's hiding there?

Ozzel fool, it was just the Emperor's tool
Ozzel fool, we are all the Emperor's tool

The Cold Ice

[A Star Wars parody of "The Thin Ice" by Pink Floyd]

Leia loves you, buddy
And Artoo loves you, too
And this tauntaun may look warm to you, Luke
But your face is turning blue

Ooh, this smells
Ooh, this smells so bad
Ooh, ooh, so bad

If you should go fighting
In the cold ice of a wampa cave
Waving your saber, you cut off its arm
And escape just to land on your face

Don't be surprised when a swirl of the ice
Appears like Obi-wan
You slip out of your depth and out of your mind
With your blood flowing out behind you
As you hug the cold ice

Use the Force?

[A Star Wars parody of "In the Flesh?" by Pink Floyd]

So ya
Thought ya
Might like to join in the show
To feel the warm thrill of Force power
That Jedi knight glow

Tell me, is something eluding you, young boy?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out how to use Jedi Force
You'll just have to go to Dagobah, of course

Moisture Farm of Owen, the Album

Twenty or so years ago, I read a draft of lyrics about C3PO on Tatooine, called "Moisture Farm de Owen" and written to the tune of "Hotel California" by the Eagles. I edited the lyrics to make it better fit the song, to my liking. I also wrote a sequel about the heroes' time on the Death Star, to the tune of "Life in the Fast Lane" from the same album.

The Eagles' album, Hotel California, was the most popular album in the United States shortly before the first Star Wars movie was released, so they magically fit together.

I recently got the notion to finish the full album in parodies, to tell the whole story of Star Wars: Episode IV, A New Hope set to music. Here is the result:

Moisture Farm of Owen
Princess in Chains
Life in the Death Star
Give Sorrow No Time
Victim of Greed
Pretty Droids All in a Row
Live to Fight Again
The Last Battle

The Last Battle

[A Star Wars parody of "The Last Frontier" by the Eagles]

She came from Alderaan, destroyed by Tarkin
Imprisoned on the Death Star, she escaped from there
She took the station plans to the rebel base
They searched for a fatal flaw, with all due haste

If we shot the thermal port, it would disintegrate
So we manned our fighter craft, may the Force be with you
And we flew from Yavin 4, hoping we'd survive
Fighting for a republic, fighting for our lives

Gold group started their attack, Red group drew their fire
TIE fighters joined the fight, led by Darth Vader
And he killed us one by one, none would survive
We lost Tiree, we lost Dutch, they came from behind

Then three X-wings flew down across the Death Star
To the canyon of the port, going full throttle
Worry about the TIE fighters, worry about the tower
Worry about the targeting, and hear the old fossil

Darth Vader came and shot up Wedge, but nobody caught him
He set his sights on Darklighter, and Biggs, he bought it
Leaving Luke out all alone, never the same
He watched his old friend die, burst into flame

Luke left his computer behind to use Obi-wan's Force
Vader couldn't hit him, but he shot Artoo
Tarkin fired up the Death Star gun, rebel base in range
To bring the Empire's fist down, to bring the Empire's reign

The Falcon appeared out from the sun, sent Vader on the run
Left Luke all in the clear, we have got to end it here
We gladly blew that evil thing, and justified our bloody deed
In the name of history and in the name of love

And you can see them there in the temple throne room
Stand up and cheer about what we did up there
They called it Death Star, I don't know why
You call some place Death Star, kiss it goodbye

Live to Fight Again

[A Star Wars parody of "Try and Love Again" by the Eagles]

In my cockpit on my own
Where the Empire tries to fry me
Like a circle, I fly around
Luke was lost until I found him
Saved him from those fighters

One by one, those TIE fighters come
Day by day, rebel pilots fade away

Ooh, the trench showed to our eyes
Turbo lasers might be found there
Vader showed up right on time
And the moves he made, so fine
Hit my X-wing that surrounds me

Should I stay or go?
I really want to know
Would we lose or win
If I live to fight again?
Oh, gonna live to fight again
Oh, I'm gonna live to fight again
Oh, gonna live to fight

Right or wrong, what's done is done
It's only moments that you borrow
But the thoughts will linger on
Of the glory and the bombs
When the sun comes up tomorrow

Well, it might take years
To cover all my fears
What do you know?
I'm still here, so let it go

Oh, gonna live to fight again
Oh, gonna live to fight again
Oh, gonna live to fight again
Oh, sometimes lose, sometimes win
Sometimes you need to live
Oh, gonna live, gonna live

Gonna live, gonna live, gonna live, gonna live
Gonna live, gonna live, gonna live, gonna live
Gonna live, gonna live, gonna live, gonna live
Gonna live

Pretty Droids All in a Row

[A Star Wars parody of "Pretty Maids All in a Row" by the Eagles]

"Hello there, come over and don't be afraid"
Seems like we've come a long way
Humans, they learn so slow
And heroes, they come and they go
And leave us behind as if we're supposed to know
Why, why

Why have we taken so much in the past?
And why must we blow up so fast?

And all you smuggling fools with your fortunes
Someone should send you a rose
With love from a friend, we hope to see you once again
The preparations come to a close
Here comes the battle they chose
X-wings to fly, Death Star to blow
Pretty droids all in a row

Victim of Greed

[A Star Wars parody of "Victim of Love" by the Eagles]

What kind of greed have you got?
You should stay here, but you're not
A room full of noise and dangerous toys
The help that they need is a lot

I heard about you and your plan
There's just one thing I don't understand
Jabba wants ten thousand but they paid you twenty
How come you still got that cash in your hands?

Victim of greed, I see a jaded heart
You got your stories to tell
Victim of greed, it's such an easy part
And you know how to play it so well

Some people never come clean
I think you know what I mean
You're walking the wire, regret and desire
Looking for scams in between

Chewie jump in now, you know that I'm right
This ain't no time to be cruel
You must help these people, the Death Star is coming
The rebels aren't losers and fools

Victim of greed, I see a caring heart
I could be wrong, but I'm not, no I'm not
Victim of greed, we're not so far apart
Show me what kind of soul have you got

Victim of greed, I see a caring heart
I could be wrong, but I'm not
Victim of greed, we're not so far apart
What kind of soul have you got?

Victim of greed, you're just a victim of greed
I could be wrong, but I'm not, no I'm not
Victim of greed, now you're a victim of greed
What kind of soul have you got?
What kind of soul have you got?
What kind of soul have you got?

Give Sorrow No Time

[A Star Wars parody of "Wasted Time" by the Eagles]

Well, Luke, there you stand
With your little head down in your hand
Oh my god, you can't believe
It's happening again
Kenobi's gone and you're all alone
And it looks like the end

But you're back out into space
And you must try to remember
How to start it over
You don't know if you can
You may have lost Ben and your family
But I lost Alderaan

You never thought you'd be alone
So soon down the line
But I know that I've made my mind
I'm afraid we must give sorrow no time

Kenobi's death has got you thinking
How Aunt and Uncle burned and fell
You didn't love them too much, no no
You just loved them too well, farewell

So you must live from day to day
And you must dream about tomorrow
When the fighters come swooping over
You must make them pay
So you shoot them with the cannon
And make them go away

We can do so many things, my friend
If we can only stop our minds
From wondering what we left behind
So stop crying and give sorrow no time

Another fight has come and gone
And the Falcon keeps rushing on
So remember what Ben told you
Before he left you on your own
Sometimes to find your destiny
You must set out from home

So you can get on with your quest, my friend
And I can can get on with mine
And maybe when we win this fight
We can finally give our sorrow some time

Life in the Death Star

[A Star Wars parody of "Life in the Fast Lane" by the Eagles]

Han was a hard-headed man
He was brutally handsome
Leia was terminally pretty
They locked her up
And they held without ransom
In the heart of the spherical city

Luke said to gently bind Chewbacca
As a cruel dude
They said he was fearsome
They said he was rude
Guards had one thing in common
They were suddenly dead
Han said, "Faster, faster
"The lights are blinking red!"

Life in the Death Star
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the Death Star

Trapped with her highness
Hot from the flames
"It isn't my fault, miss
"Luke is the brains"
Leia shot a chute open
And down they all fell
They landed in garbage
What a wonderful smell

There was a creature in the water
A creature 'round Luke's face
The dianoga got him
Luke was gone without a trace
Walls started closing in
And Luke was okay
They would surely have been crushed to death
If Artoo hadn't saved the day

Life in the Death Star
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the Death Star
Life in the Death Star
On the run all the time
Life in the Death Star

Stormtroopers found them
Chased them to thirst
They didn't see the bridge out
Took a turn for the worst
She said, "Listen mister
"You can hear the Wilhelm scream
"You shot the extender panel
"Haven't done a goddamn thing"

Luke said, "Hold my blaster
"I think I got a plan
"The bad guys, they are coming
"So I got to be the man"
They went swinging 'cross the chasm
Ran around and got lost
They really did care
They were just dying to get off

And it was life in the Death Star
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the Death Star
Life in the Death Star
On the run all the time
Life in the Death Star

Princess in Chains

[A Star Wars parody of "New Kid in Town" by the Eagles]

There's talk in the hall
It sounds so familiar
Bad feeling about this
Everybody's watching you
Who has the gall?
Tarkin and his eyes of blue
Even Darth Vader
Wants to torture you

Leia in binders
The princess in chains
Everybody hates you
So don't show no pain

You look in his eyes
The countdown begins to play
Far too trusting
Never hope again
Your planet gets fried
You can't look the other way
It's those hopeful hearts
That never mend

Leia in binders
The princess in chains
What will you do now
In Alderaan's remains?

There's so many deaths caused by that soldier
Vader and Tarkin couldn't be colder, no colder
Tears on your shoulder

There's talk in the cell block
It's there to remind you
It really does matter
Which side you're on
You're locked away
And they're talking behind you
They will not execute you
If somebody new comes along

Where you been lately?
There's a Jedi on base
Everybody hunts him, don't they?
And Vader wants him, and you're still in chains
Oh my my

There's a Jedi on base
Obi-wan's the Jedi on base
Ooh, everybody's talking 'bout the Jedi on base
Ooh, but you won't be walking with the Jedi on base

There's a Jedi on base
Help me Ben Kenobi
There's a Jedi on base
Help me Ben Kenobi
There's a Jedi on base
There's a Jedi on base

You're a princess in chains
Everybody's talking
You're a princess in chains
You won't be walking
You're a princess in chains
You're a princess in chains

Moisture Farm of Owen

[A Star Wars parody of "Hotel California" by the Eagles]

On a hot desert planet
Coarse sand everywhere
Warm smell of bantha poodoo
Rising up through the air

Up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
I waved my arms and I yelled real loud
A sandcrawler was in sight

So I entered the transport
I hit my head with a bonk
And I was thinking to myself
Why does that power droid always say "gonk"?

Then they zapped my restraining bolt
And they showed me the way
There were two men out there buying us
I thought I heard one say

Welcome to the moisture farm of Owen
Such a boring place
Wish I was in space
There's plenty of room at the moisture farm of Owen
Any time of year
It's hot as hell out here

Luke's mind's Academy twisted
He's got the Anchorhead trends
He's got a lot of pretty, pretty droids
That he calls friends

How they work in the courtyard
Constantly sweat
Luke wants to remember
Owen wants to forget

So I called up my master
Artoo ran off this time
I said, the odds of finding that droid
Are one in sixty-nine

We're then saved by old Jedi Ben
Who lives far away
Jawas killed so my master takes flight
There's no one left to say

Welcome to the moisture farm of Owen
Such a destroyed place
Such a destroyed face
There's smoke rising up from the moisture farm of Owen
What a bad surprise
Look into his eyes

Luke returned from the homestead
He was looking very glum
And Ben said, "You would have been killed too, Luke
"There's nothing you could have done"

And in the Mos Eisley Cantina
I got kicked out from the feast
That's where they met up with Han Solo
And a big, hairy oaf of a beast

Next thing I remember
I was hiding behind a door
I had to find a passage back
To Docking Bay 94

"Blip blip," said the spy man
They were programmed to receive
They started shooting at our smuggler's ship
And we could barely leave

European Super League 2016-17

UPDATED 6-4-17: The final standings have been added below.

Some of the richest clubs of European football have been making noise about permanent spots in the UEFA Champions League, or creating a closed European Super League. Naturally, I would prefer an open Super League, with promotion and relegation with the domestic leagues.

Since there are too many "big" clubs for one twenty-team league, I have created a twenty-team Super League and a second division with forty teams, split into East and West Leagues. To pick which teams are placed in which leagues, I used the UEFA Club Coefficients from the end of the 2014-15 season. After the 2015-16 season, two teams were relegated from the Super League to Division 2, replaced by the east and west champions. Two teams from each Division 2 league were relegated, replaced by the four teams that progressed the furthest in the Champions League and Europa League. (Ideally, this would just be the final four Champions League teams, with the relegated teams automatically qualified for the next season's Champions League so they have the potential for promotion as soon as possible).

Basel 1893 were relegated from the Super League to Division 2 West. Shakhtar Donetsk were relegated from the Super League to Division 2 East. PSV Eindhoven and Dynamo Kyiv were promoted to the Super League. Hannover 96, Twente, Metalist Kharkiv, and København were relegated to their respective domestic leagues. Wolfsburg and Gent were promoted to Division 2 West. Sparta Praha and Fenerbahçe were promoted to Division 2 East.

To keep the two Milan clubs in the same league, Wolfsburg are in the west league, even though they are east of Milan.

Here is a map of the sixty teams in the international leagues. Click the rectangle tab thing in the upper left to get to the list where you can deselect the separate divisions.

Here are the final 2016-17 standings.

These standings include games only against teams in their division (Super League or Division 2). Note that not all teams played any such games this season. I've positioned them based on their UEFA Club Coefficient rankings. That is the tiebreaker in general, after number of games played.

The four teams promoted from the domestic leagues will be the four teams (that aren't above) who progressed the furthest in the Champions League and Europa League. Thus, Leicester City, Monaco and Celta de Vigo qualified for promotion to 2017-18 Division 2. The fourth is Borussia Mönchengladbach, who beat out the following on the UEFA club coefficient tie-breaker: København, Krasnodar, APOEL and Rostov.

European Super League 2015-16

UPDATED 5-29-16: The final standings have been added below.

Some of the richest clubs of European football have been making noise lately about permanent spots in the UEFA Champions League, or creating a closed European Super League. Naturally, I would prefer an open Super League, with promotion and relegation with the domestic leagues.

Since there are too many "big" clubs for one twenty-team league, I have created a twenty-team Super League and a second division with forty teams, split into East and West Leagues. To pick which teams are placed in which leagues, I used the UEFA Club Coefficients from the end of the 2014-15 season.

I envision these leagues playing standard double round-robins. Meanwhile, the remaining top teams in the domestic leagues would continue to play the Champions League similar to today's arrangement. The final four teams in the Champions League would thus be promoted to the Division 2 leagues, while the bottom two from each Division 2 league would be relegated to their respective domestic leagues. These relegated teams would be automatically qualified in the following season's Champions League so they have the potential for promotion as soon as possible.

Here is a map of the sixty teams in the international leagues. Click the rectangle tab thing in the upper left to get to the list where you can deselect the separate divisions.

Here are the final 2015-16 standings.

These standings include games only against teams in their division (Super League or Division 2). Note that some teams did not play any such games this season. I've positioned them based on their UEFA Club Coefficient rankings. That is the tiebreaker in general.

The four teams earning promotion from the domestic leagues, based upon who went furthest in this year's Champions League and Europa League, are: Wolfsburg, Gent, Sparta Praha, and Fenerbahçe.

US Soccer Combined Leagues 2016

UPDATED 1/7/17: Final standings updated with folded teams.

Just suppose that many years ago, the US Soccer Federation required all professional teams to play in the same league system. Just suppose that they decided that it would be best to always have two equal leagues, east and west, and then divide teams vertically into Division 1, Division 2, etc. Just suppose that, each year, they promoted the best teams from Division 2 and relegated the worst teams from Division 1.

And here's the big leap. Just suppose that we didn't have any more teams playing than what we actually have.

In 2016, the USSF has 60 professional teams. Three teams folded/withdrew after the 2015 season (Austin Aztex, Atlanta Silverbacks, and San Antonio Scorpions). New teams added to Division 2 West were Rayo OKC, Rio Grande Valley, San Antonio, and Swope Park Rangers KC. In the East, the new teams in Division 2 were Bethlehem Steel, Cincinnati, Miami, and Orlando City B.

To balance the leagues, Saint Louis was moved from the East to the West.

Here is a map of the teams. Click the rectangle tab thing in the upper left to get to the list where you can deselect the separate divisions.

Here are the final standings:

Since a wonderful home-and-away round robin won't actually happen in each league above, I will substitute that with ranking the teams by points-per-game, including each team's league and cup games actually played in 2016, only counting games against teams in its division (Division 1 or 2).

At least one team from each Division 1 league will be relegated and at least one team from each Division 2 league will be promoted. The final number will be determined by the number of professional teams in 2017 and the resultant promotions without relegations to even out the divisions. Without adjustments to the number of teams, three would be relegated and three would be promoted. Since the same number of teams have been announced for 2017 as played in 2016, three relegations and three promotions are shown.

The Division 2 teams shown as "ineligible for promotion" are B teams. B teams can't be in Division 1.